The Skinny

5 months!?

2011-09-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

Whoa it has been a loooong time since I wrote on this blog. There is a reason. I've been busy busy busy and any chance I get to blog I feel like I owe it to the kids to post on the Beaz so we have a record of their young lives.

Since I had baby #3 I've gone down to part time at my work. Which really sucks money wise but has been such an amazing chance for me to be more involved as a mother. Notice I didn't say a better mother. ;) It's easier for me to be a better and more patient mom when I'm at work missing my kids all day. I can come home from work and be mother of the year for the 3 hours I have with them. Of course laundry was always on the back burner as well as cooking. I've upped my game in those areas now and I've felt much more grounded and I think the kids feel that way too.

But I've really let myself go. It feels like life revolves around nursing and running kids here and there (except for my daily pepsi run.) I think putting your kids first is great, but I have to force myself to do things for me. My hair goes way longer between dye jobs, some days makeup never graces this face, my diet is in the toilet because convenience has become a major priority, I really don't have any shoes or clothes that fit properly anymore. Everything is too big or too small, etc etc etc. I'm a libra for gosh sakes, so you would think I could find some balance!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love my new life. I love spending more time with the kids. And my new life is also hard. It's hard financially and it's hard to find some kind of routine. But we'll make it and it's worth it. I am so lucky that this is the "hard" that I'm dealing with right now.

Like, Love & Live Without

2011-04-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

So I've seen other bloggers do this thing where they "Kiss and Diss" "Love and Hate" "Like and Dislike" you know things they like and don't like and I always think they're pretty interesting so I'm going to try and pull off something similar here but I can't think of anything witty to name it....... hmmmmmmm............. How about Cool and Uncool? Nah that just sounds lame...... Um... uh..... crap I'm at a loss here. In and Out? No. Bleh.... I just can't figure it out. Okay just looked up they synonyms for hate we have, dislike and detest. WOW.... well isn't that just a plethora of choices!

Okay I'm going to go with Like, Love & Live Without. That way it gives me more positive to fill than negative.... and heaven knows I need more positivity in my life. ;) AND I've never heard anyone name it that before, not saying it hasn't cause I know it's not that original BUT I'm not stealing it that I'm aware of AND since I'm not an avid blogger on this one anyway I think we're cool. Today I'm keeping it simple, one thing in each category. :)

LIKE:

I love this right now because I don't know if you've ever noticed when your pregnant lipstick can end up looking really old ladyish. Not the shade or style, but I'm talking about clumpy, dry, weird, this never happened to me before I got prego, crappy chappy, smeared and nasty lips.

WHOA did that paint a picture or what?!

So in my quest for some kind of color without all the nasty side effects I came upon this little beauty. It was the last of the Burt's Bees I hadn't tried. I found it in the gift shop at the Cracker Barrel. (Cause I'm uber classy like that.) This stuff gives you color, minty freshness and smooth non old lady lips.

PERFECT!

LOVE:

The Modern Movement Ultimate T-shirt Bra

Wheew! Thats a mouthful. Now this is for my girls that have BIG OLE' girls like me.

I spent years trying to find the perfect bra, that actually came in my size, was comfortable, hid the R.T., gave the ladies some support and didn't look all rumpled or crazy under my shirt.

Now if you are blessed BEYOND measure in the chest area you know how hard it is to find a good bra at a reasonable price. The craziest part of finding this beauty was I was going through every dang $60 - $120 bra's Dillard's had to offer. I decided on a whim to try this one out thinking it couldn't be great if it only cost $36. I was so wrong. Here is a link but I highly suggest to try on before you buy because bra's can be fickle. I believe you can also get them at Macy's.

LIVE WITHOUT:

Bloggers who constantly blog about blogging conferences.

Now I don't mind hearing about one or two here and there. I know they can be exciting and you learn fun stuff and meet new people, but when EVERY weekend your going to yet another bloggers conference, do you really have to blog about it again? Same shit, different day. IMHO. ;)

The reason I read your blog is because I love what you have to say about your usual topics,

not about how much you drank and how many bloggers you felt up, and how next year is gonna be so much better. It's like people who talk about summer camp like you were there, only you weren't. Ya, I'm sure it was a blast, but it's like an inside joke that no one cares about. Whoa that sounded harsh and I do realize what people put on their blogs is their own business and I have the right to quit reading at anytime. And let me tell you when your content starts being more about bloggers conferences than the rest of your life I will quit. Usually sadly because I really used to like stuff they wrote about.

Do you see why it was good for me to have two positives and one negative?

;)

Head down fists a-swingin.

2011-01-22T23:33:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went out of my comfort zone. I planned to meet my sisters and their husbands at a late movie. (My hubby stayed home with the kiddos who were in bed.) Well my sisters had gone to dinner and I was meeting them at the theater after they were done. I got there early... which is rare. I waited and waited in my car for them to arrive... and they didn't. So I called them to find they were still at the restaurant waiting for their bill.

GREAT. I could sit out there like and idiot or go in alone.

ALONE.

Okay so I realize for many people this isn't a problem. My husband goes to movies on his own all the time.

And it's just walking in and paying and getting a seat alone, I wouldn't actually be watching it alone.

But the thing is, in a small town people talk. Oh they talk. And being married 3 times before your 30 makes you a somewhat interesting topic 'round these parts. So, I was afraid I would see someone and they would see me alone and think the worst. "Oh poor Brein must be having trouble at home, at the movie all by herself poor thing."

Am I paranoid? Why yes, yes I am. And I do realize my paranoia is all in my head, but still.

I mean I was already paranoid about people thinking it was weird for me to be with my sisters and their husbands, sans my own. So to walk in there alone was even scarier. Oh, as I type this I realize how lame my silly fear is. :P

So instead of sitting in the parking lot, I got my butt outta the car, walked in, bought my ticket, stopped at the concession stand and got me some treats and went into the dark theater to sit alone... for 20 minutes.

:D It felt great.

To hell with what people think. I'm done with that I've decided. To live in fear of something so silly is sooo lame!

SOOOOOO- We saw "The Fighter." It was amazing!! And I'm not just saying that because Mark Wahlberg is in it and he is so freaking hot. It really was a "feel good" movie, you know the type where you leave the theater with your dukes up thinking all of a sudden your tough and can fight too? Ya, that kind of movie.

So what I really should have been embarrassed about was leaving the theater a-swingin...... but I'm not.

Reality

2011-01-18T08:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I find myself caught in the middle of reality and theory. A little delusional if you want to know the truth. I have "the person I want to be" so completely etched in my mind, that sometimes I think I am that person. But nothing could be further than the truth. I aspire to be better, faster, smarter, more organized, less self involved, more motivated, and the list goes on and on.

As I was contemplating that last night while getting ready for bed, I realized I was wearing my husbands underwear inside out and backwards. (I'm not quite on top of the laundry situation, as far as inside out and backwards, I have no clue, I got dressed with the lights ON.) Then it hits me like a ton of bricks...

I'm not quite there yet and I have a LONG way to go.

The ONEder Fund

2011-01-17T16:00:00.000-08:00

Check out this video, this is from my most favorite blog ever!

If you can help please do! It's a miracle how much they have raised so far,

and her blog is the sweetest blog on the planet, so be sure and check

it out!

What I've learned from football...

2011-01-07T11:47:00.000-08:00

It's no secret that my husband loves football.
He yells at the TV all fall and winter.
I've seen more green than anyone ever should.
I've tried to pay attention, tried to get into it... but I just can't seem to love it.
But I have learned a few things from watching it and I'm going to share them with you now....

The coach of the Eagles looks like Wilford Brimley.

The coach of the Saints looks like Ben Stiller.

The coach of the Steelers looks like Omar Epps

Oh, and the coach of the 49ers is a complete ass.

The End.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-23T09:40:00.001-08:00

The Colbert Report

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March to Keep Fear Alive

I met myself the other night...

2010-11-16T15:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I have amazing dreams. Sometimes, I think my dreams are trying to tell me things. Then again sometimes my dreams make no sense whatsoever. Anyway so here is my latest doosy of a dream...

I saw my old high school boyfriend and thought, oh crap I hate running into awkward situations like this... Then I realized he was only 18 or so.

Then I realized I had entered into some kind of time warp and got really excited because I thought Young Me might be with him!

AND then there I was!!

It was like seeing an old friend! I ran up to myself and gave me a big hug. I felt really protective and loving toward Young Me. After thinking to myself, whoa bad hair, I realized how nice Young Me's skin was. I started to touch Young Me's forehead and cheeks saying "WHOA, I didn't even realize how nice being young was!" Then Young Me, is like... "WHAT is going on?!" Then I got all apologetic like, "Sorry, this is what you look like now, I didn't even realize I would get wrinkles so soon, and young me was like, "No, I mean WHY are we seeing each other right now?"

And then it hit me. Oh ya, WHY?

So I told young me we should go for a walk and try to figure out why we were seeing each other right now. Trying to figure out what it meant, if there was something we needed to communicate to each other.

Then I woke up.

So I've been in thought for the last couple days on this. And I still can't figure it out. I realize one of the only things I miss about being young is the nice skin. ;)

But seriously, I usually think back on high school as the greatest time of my life. (Fun wise) and after seeing Young Me, I thought.... nah.... I wouldn't want to ever go back. I mean, I had super fun friends and it was awesome fun to run around unsupervised. It was crazy trying to figure it all out together, but go back? No way. I'm good where I'm at... wrinkly and all.

SO.... my question(s) for YOU!

Have you ever had a crazy dream you just couldn't shake?

Have you ever met 90's you?!

Do you have any insight into this weird dream?

Lung Cancer Sucks!

2010-11-09T11:42:00.000-08:00

November is Lung Cancer awareness month!

My Mom (non-smoker) died from Lung Cancer at age 37,

so it is so important to me to get the word out about a type of cancer that doesn't get as much attention as others.

Here are a few facts about Lung Cancer you may not know...

• Lung Cancer is the leading Cancer killer in both men AND women in the USA.
• More people die from lung cancer than any other cancer.
• While smoking is the largest cause of lung cancer, Radon exposure is the second. Any home can have radon in it, you can learn how to test for and treat radon in your home by clicking here.
• It is hard to get funding for lung cancer research because of the stigma attached to it.
The stigma is only smokers get lung cancer and they bring it on themselves.
• Every single day non-smokers find out they have this potentially fatal disease. They should not suffer because other people who smoke contract it as well.
• No one (including smokers) ever deserves cancer. That kind of thinking is deplorable.
Info from lungusa.org

Also, Lung Cancer will kill:

• More people than the next four deadly cancers.... combined
• Over three times as many men as prostate cancer.
• Nearly twice as many women as breast cancer.
• An average of 437 people a day.
Info from lungcanceralliance.org

So this November lets do what we can to prevent and become aware of Lung Cancer!

Here is my challenge for you!.... Come on you know you love a good challenge!!

• First thing, lets help drop the stigma surrounding lung cancer!
• Smoking: I can't imagine how hard it would be to quit. I can't even stay on a diet and they say quitting smoking is 10x harder. So try to quit if you can, but if you can't.... Make a pledge to not smoke around non-smokers, especially children! And if you don't smoke, don't start!
• Make sure you and your family are safe by checking your house for radon!
• And if you have a little extra cash in this lovely economy you can make a donation for lung cancer research here.

Thank you all for listening!!

Forgetful

2010-10-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

So the diet bandwagon? Since I found out I was pregnant, (YES! SOOO EXCITED!!) I haven't completely fallen off, but I've allowed myself more "naughty foods" than I should have. So today I am going to get back to being good.

But this post isn't about that... it's about the fact that I HAVE NO BRAIN.

Here are a few brainless moves I have done this past week.

*Wednesday, I forgot to pick-up James from school... I was about 5-10 minutes late. Thank goodness my Aunt was there to hold onto him for me!

*Thursday, I forgot to pick-up James from school... I was about 15 minutes late by the time I remembered. Thank goodness his friends mom hung onto him for me!!!

*Friday, I left on time to pick him up because I FINALLY remembered to set an alarm on my phone! But after about 5 minutes I realized I was headed in the wrong direction (towards his daycare) instead of his school before I realized I hadn't picked him up yet!!

~My POOR SON!! Doug promises to help me do better this week, in fact he may even take over pick-up for a few days.~

*Sunday, went shopping at Old Navy with my little girl, wandered around picking out cute stuff, asking workers if they had any other sizes in the back, meandering about picking stuff up, putting it down, when I overheard one worker asking another if he had locked the door. "Whoa Whoa Whoa, your CLOSED!?" I asked. "Well, ya" she said. So they open up a cash register for me as I'm running to the door, I look at my phone see that it's 5:27. I ask, "Did you guys close at 5:00?" "Yaaaa."

WTH?! I had probably been there about a half hour... Never heard them say anything about closing and bring your final purchase up, (not to say that they didn't, they may have, but I was chasing the kid and never heard anything) the door wasn't locked when I got there... I did notice their wasn't any music playing though....

ANYWAY.... Ya... moron!!

I have no brain anymore, not to say that was on top of things before!

*Today I told my co-worker to make an ad in the wrong size. She made it and I was like, uh-oh what happened there? Checked my out going email, ya I totally told her the wrong size.

Speaking of which, I best get back to work...

I have a feeling this is going to be one hell of a week!

Let's get real.

2010-10-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

Im back on the band wagon!

I started my diet friday and haven't looked back. I feel great! Hungry but great!

I feel so much better about myself when I diet!

Now this is where we're getting real.... I keep saying oh, I have 20-40 lbs to lose... but in all reality...

I have 60 pounds to lose.

I would be happy with 40, but to be back to high school weight

(junior/senior (not the chubby softmore stage))

I need to lose 60.

Ouch.

....

So, what made me finally decide to do this?

Well, I was considering getting the lap band done, my friend got it done and has done wonderfully on it.

But it costs $11,000.

So I thought to myself...

"Brein, if someone offered you $11,000 to lose 60 lbs would you do it?

Hell ya, I would!"

So I'm looking at this like I'm getting a huge monetary reward of money I won't be spending and also the thing that helped me the very most was this link I found here.

It breaks it down WW style!

It told me how long it would take to lose it, so when I saw it wouldn't take a year and a half (which was what I feared it would) it all of a sudden became doable.

SO, if I stay on my plan and follow it to a tee,

I will be at goal weight in...

MAY!

Thats only 7 months!

And for those of us who have suffered through 9 month pregnancies,

7 months isn't too long of a time to suffer. ;P

So, I'm on board I'm doing it!

I've already switched back to diet pepsi and instead of a 32 oz, I've gone to 22 oz.

(You can't give up everything you love or you'll fail!)

Update

2010-10-06T23:13:00.000-07:00

Update on my weight loss journey... because that is the reason I started this blog. And just because things aren't going good shouldn't give me the excuse to not write. I've got to hold myself accountable.

Well here it is....

Gained back almost all the weight I lost and am trying to get myself motivated to lose it again. I'm getting really sick of losing the same 20 lbs over and over again. BLEH... Especially when I have to lose three times that much.

Also went to a family function and saw Tracy (they winner of our last weight loss challenge and she has been KICKING BUTT since then. She even has a picture of her in a bikini on her fb page!! Ahhh!!! I'm so proud of her and just as equally if not more jealous. :-/

Anyway, I need to get on the bandwagon. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my kids...

Now where's the chocolate? ;)

One more?

2010-10-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

This wasn't supposed to just be a blog about missing my Grams, but it's kind of come to that lately. Tonight I had a memory I wanted to write down. Writing in a journal seems like it takes too long these days, when I can just type it out real quick.

Here goes...

When I was very young (around 4 or 5)and I got in trouble I would cry for my grams to come save me. I would sob, "I want grandma." over and over. Because of course she would understand. I remember one particular night I night my mom told me, "You know grandma won't always be around don't you?" I was perplexed and heartbroken. WHAT?!? I had no concept of death or age or anything like that at the time. Then my mom told me that grandma was getting older and when someone got too old they die. I cried and cried and sobbed as if it were me who was dying. I still remember how it felt finding out that she wouldn't always be here.

Looking back that seems kind of cruel to tell me that when I was so young, but I realize now why she did it. It was around that time they found blood clots in my grandmas legs. I think my mom was really worried she might not come through and wanted to prepare me best she could because for some reason I was extremely attached to her. And now I realize it was REALLY good she told me that young because it helped prepare me for now. I needed ALL those years to help prepare me for losing her. Silly I know, I'm 31 and sometimes I still feel like that little girl crying in her bed that night finding out grandma wouldn't always be here. Heartbroken.

When I was around 13 years old my grandma had a terrible fall. She fell down some concrete stairs and hit her head. That accident was REALLY touch and go. They were really afraid she wouldn't make it. She had a lot of trouble with her memory and frequent dizzy spells as a result of that accident and those troubles stuck with her for the rest of her life. She never was the same after that.

My mom had a very hard time during that incident. It was so hard to see her worry so much and of course I am a chronic worrier too. I remember feeling completely helpless and not ready for her to go. I did the only thing I could think of at that time. I made her and I identical friendship bracelets. The one for her was to remind her how much I loved her and would always be with her, and the one for me was to help me feel close to her and remind me to constantly pray for her recovery. I wore that bracelet everyday to bed and in the shower until one day I went to her house and saw hers sitting on her dresser. I took that as a sign she was in the clear, so I decided I could take mine off too.

There were two other instances that my grandma was hospitalized for. Once was for dangerously low potassium and the other for pneumonia. Both times everyone thought she wouldn't make it. She really was an medical enigma.

Since my teens whenever I ran into someone who knew her they would ask very somberly, "How is your Grandma Davis?" I would say very cheerfully she's fine! And they would act completely shocked! It was strange to me because I spent so much time with her and she always seemed relatively healthy but people would act like she was on deaths door step. I remember when my Grandpa was battling cancer I would get frustrated that everyone wanted to know how grandma was (in their sad and somber voice) and they would be completely shocked when I told them she was doing much better than Grandpa!

I think people gave her health too little credit and Grandpa's too much. He suffered so much when his cancer got worse, but was always so upbeat that I really don't think people realized how much he had to go through, and he really does deserve a lot of credit. He was an amazing man.

Whoops, a tangent! Anyway... I miss them both so much and hope that my next post will be on another topic, but I blog my thoughts and at night I always end up missing Grams and talking/typing about it makes me feel better.

Oh but the good news is, I really still feel very close to them both, and I am happy.

**NEXT topic may be on my weight loss journey! Oh now I know your all just waiting for that one! ;)**

2010-09-07T14:46:00.000-07:00

I've missed you.
"Our baby" turned 7.
This picture is you at his 3rd birthday party.
It's not the same without you here.
Lately I've had a young picture of you Grandma on my desktop background at work, the sparkle in your eye has been giving me much needed encouragement to get through all of the work I've had to do.
Today I saw an old man in a cowboy hat doing yard work and it made me miss you so much Grandpa.I was always so impressed with how much you could accomplish in your 80 year old body.
Life keeps moving on and everyday it seems more and more normal that your gone...
I think that's what scares me the most.

Blog-less?

2010-09-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

I think this is the longest I've gone without blogging, especially on the Beaz!

I've been super bogged down at work with Peach Days, mainly our baby contest (that always leaves me feeling hurt and frustrated.) Why? Because everyone who enters wants (expects) to win. This year we had 136 entries! The buildup is fantastic! I get so excited and love seeing all the cute baby pix coming in, then we draw I'm super excited for the baby who wins of course and their family, but I feel sad for everyone who wanted to win... ya know?

It's like the damn Baby Gap contest, every year I think, "NO way am I entering my kids in that again, it just sucks too bad when they lose." But then I get the email and I'm like Whoo-hoo!! Time to enter!!

But ours is a drawing, so really no one should get butt hurt about it, but they do. And some parents take it so personally or seriously. And I put SO MUCH freaking time and effort into it that I start taking it personally when people get butt hurt.

ANYWAY, I digress, from the baby contest part that is.

We also have a Special Section along with our paper, so it's twice the work in half the time. :P I know, I know I'm lucky to have a job, and I'm grateful... it's just this happens every year, right after school starts and right during my first born's birthday!

It would just help if someone said, "hey, loved the paper this week, especially the babies." Then I would think, "Oh see missing out on the weekend with your family has at least one positive upside!" Or if someone said, "it's okay my kid didn't win, I was just glad to see his cute mug in the paper." (yes all the babies pictures go in the paper anyway, and yes, that takes hours upon hours to do.)

Really I think it's the mommy guilt that gets me. It's times like this that I want to just quit and stay home and try to be the mom I had growing up. But she had big shoes to fill.

And I have small feet. :P

PS- The baby that won this year is absolutely gorgeous!!! She was perfect and I'm excited for her and her family, shouldn't we all be?

And she's Up!

2010-08-23T21:30:00.000-07:00

It's a family curse to get feeling down at night. Totally sucks and thats when I decide to spill my guts on the interwebs. Well tonight I'm feeling up! Up! Up! Why? I have no clue but thought I should do a really quick post while I'm in a good mood. :)

I'm going to randomly list 10 things I'm grateful for!

#1- My kids! Without a doubt! They are my reason for living, they are the apple(s) of my eye! I love seeing their unique personalities come out the older they get. My boy can TALK and my girl can BOSS but good golly I am so in love with them!

#2- My husband. Yes, the man can drive me crazy, BUT I know he always loves me. The thing I love the most about him is his honesty. He tells me everything, maybe sometimes TOO much. I can be my absolute self around him and I never have to worry he'll stop loving me. He's solid. He's had a hard go of it in his past, overcome obstacles that were beyond his control and has come through on the other side with a big heart, and that is HARD to do. Oh, my prickly prickly pear - if people really knew what a mush ball you were. :P

#3- My home. It is tiny, full of junk, the yard is a mess, but it's a home and it does it's job by keeping us warm and safe. (We will be moving here soon, and then I'll be grateful for that home that's not so tiny. :)) Oh, but I'll really miss our trees and our privacy fence!

#4- Online shopping! Wha? You thought this would just be about heavy things?, oh you just don't know me well enough! I just finished J-mans school shopping tonight and I didn't have to go out of town... fight ornery kids (see #1)... squeeze around other mama's with strollers OR change diapers in cars. :) Pure BLISS!!! Other than the fact that most of my discount codes expired yesterday, I'm pretty freakin' pleased with myself. Now let's just pray it all comes in time (by next Monday) and fits!

#5- Things that make me pretty! Mascara, powder (oops need some, I'm out!) Gloss drops, did I say mascara? Ya all those little things I can't live without.

#6- My family... parents, siblings, grandparents, all of them! Without them I would not be me. They are all so wonderful and awesome IMHO.

#7- Beer! ;) Just trying to see if you were paying attention! Okay but really, Shifties!!! It's a drive up gas station in my little town that has the BEST Pepsi in the world! I'm sure they get sick of me, but I'm an addict... I just keep coming back for more.

#8- My Vehicle! It's big, it's fun to drive but most importantly it's where my kids are forced to bond with me. :P I strap them in and we go for drives. I just LOVE going for drives with my kiddo's... hopefully they will still love going for drives with me even when their Sean Kingston CD mysteriously disappears. Muhahaha!

#9- This silly little blog where I can type it out and forget it! It's so much easier than writing in a journal.

#10- Friends!! (That's you!) Friends are the icing on the cake! I love chatting about fashion, men,in-laws, the good ole' days, our homes and just life! Infact I just got a text that ties #10 & #4 together!

"Check out Gap's American in Paris line, you'll just die:)" ~ Katelin.

That's my cue, I best see if she's right!!

Trendsetter

2010-08-16T23:40:00.000-07:00

Remember when people who had babies at home were weird and crazy? Well now it's the latest coolest/hip thing to do. Incase you hadn't heard.

Remember when shopping at a thrift store or yard sale was looked down upon?
Well now shopping there is so cool, because vintage is all the rage.

I saw a woman at the store today wearing skinny jeans that were obviously from the 80's (the high waist and her hair told me that.) A couple years ago I would have thought... "oh dear", and now I realize she's WAY cooler than me.

This can not be happening.

....

I remember jumping on the charm bracelet band wagon as a kid... and then the bike shorts and ghost buster sign thingie for my over sized shirts. I remember when either shoes either had to be lace free OR the laces had to be mismatched. I remember following all kinds of trends and all that was before I reached puberty!

.....

I remember the first time I had my very own opinion on what clothes I wanted for school, based solely on my desire and what I thought looked cool. Without any outside help from peers or media.

It was the summer before second grade... and all I wanted my mom to buy me were different colored sweat suits. Yes, sweat suits. I thought they were AWESOME. My favorite were some baby pink ones with a big sheep on the front of the sweat shirt and a bunch of little sheep running down the leg of my sweat pants.

OH MY.

Oh and there was this tie dye shirt I found when I was in high school I thought was freakin' awesome. I loved to wear that thing. That was in the 90's... tie dye was not so cool in the 90's.

....

But now with all these trends changing one week to the next it's just too dang hard to keep up with what's cool and what's not without people openly judging me like they did back in Junior High!

....

Maybe I just need to figure out what my kind of cool is and hope it transcends time. That's totally possible and realistic right?

....

Oh wait a minute, this is coming from the girl that thought a pink sweat suit was cool.... I even tried to bring it back once in 99' - just ask my friend Malinda... she'll never let me live it down AND she has pictures.

Thank goodness she foiled my brown plaid pants idea in high school! Oh that would have been such a misfire!

......

Fine! I'll try to stay on top of trends somewhat.... but I am NOT birthing a baby in my bathtub.

Final answer.

Unplugged.

2010-08-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

So I went camping this weekend with my family and friends. I was kind of nervous/excited to unplug for a couple days... no internet... no DVR.... and no phone (k the no phone part wasn't planned AND was pure hell.) but anyway. I think the last time I completely unplugged was when I got married. So it's been a while and I am hopelessly addicted to the internet, it truly is an ADD wonderland!

Example:

Someone announces on FB they are having a baby...

Remember my sis is having a baby and google what a 13 week old fetus looks like...

Then realize I haven't checked my friends blog who is just about to have a baby, read a post talking about her other daughter who is sick...

Realize my daughter has a cold too, google "when to take your 2 year old to the doctor."

Wind up on WebMD and notice an ad for shoes....

Check Zappos.com to see how my shoe return is going...

Start browsing more shoes and realize my son need new shoes for school....

browse boys shoes...

realize he needs more than shoes he needs clothes!....

Check my email for sales going on at my favorite kid stores...

While on email read through a few and then start opening windows left and right... Sale here! Coupon here! Latest new on this! And on and on and on it goes....

and this goes on all while I'm listening to grooveshark or pandora, have my google reader up and am watching Hulu and editing pictures.

And this happens everyday. And truthfully it is so much worse than I make it sound.

So yes, I decided unplugging would do me some good!

....

Friday after we're FINALLY ready to go we make our last stop. We stop at the grocery store and I stay in the car with the kids so Doug can run in.

So as I'm parked there by the door in the no parking zone Doug begins to jump out and... we see her.

A frail little old lady in white slacks a flowered shirt and penny loafers. She has brown hair styled in a shampoo set and has a slight limp and is using a walker.

It literally knocked the wind out of me and I began to cry...

It was my grandma...

Who died 4 months ago.

Well at least I thought so for a brief second until she turned her head my way, and I realized her face looked nothing like her.

It was the worst thing that could happen right before I headed up in to the mountains for a few days- because I was unplugged.

I was so emotional and moody the entire trip and would just start tearing up over the silliest things and couldn't figure out why.

Until I got home and sat down and relaxed... unplugged.

I am so far from getting over her.

It made me realize the reason I stay online so much... the reason I don't go to bed until two... the reason I try not to have any down time... is because I will think of her, and then it hurts.

So bad.

It's hard to think I may never have a friend like her again. I have great friends don't get me wrong. But it's hard to find a friend who believes in you and backs you 100% of the time. Who doesn't judge you, or doesn't talk about you behind your back. A friend that would do anything for you and always takes your side in every situation.

But I guess that's not what friends are for. They are supposed to challenge you once in a while. They are there to give you their honest opinion. "Yes those jeans make your butt look big." Friends do the best they can, but sometimes it's hard because there can jealousy or hurt feelings over silly things or misunderstandings. But backing you ALL the time? NEVER judging you? That just isn't realistic. And heaven knows I could be a better friend!

....

It makes me sad because I won't be able to best friends with my own kids because I have to be a parent. I have to lay the law down and tell them what to do. I'm not always going to back them all the time. "What do you mean you want to be a circus clown when you grow up?!" - (actual reference to my son.)

So I'm holding on to hope that someday I'll get the chance to be a grandma and that I'll have grandkids I can be best friends with. I hoping that I'll get to spoil them all the time and that I'll have the house they'll always want to visit. I hope that I can stuff them all with candy and tell them how perfectly skinny they are. I hope that they will tell me their crazy ideas and plans and I'll back them all the time. I hope they tell me how mean their parents are and I'll wholeheartedly agree. ;) "Your right your mother is so mean! She's been that way since she was born!" ;)

....

So all in all I think unplugging was good for me, but it was hard. And not in the way I expected. Not being on FB was easy, not blogging or editing pictures was a good break, google also got a much needed rest. Oh and you know I didn't miss WebMD! ;) But not being able to zone out was hard. I hope I didn't scare my family and friends away with being so moody, but I'm glad I finally figured out why and now I'll try to think of my Grams more often and allow myself to mourn her death.

And also try and take better care of myself so I can get to be 80 and spoil me some mini best friends. :P

Nice Pans

2010-08-12T15:00:00.000-07:00

I've loved photography all my life, starting when I stole my moms camera at age 5 to photograph my dolls I got for Christmas that year to being overly obsessed with the photo booths at the mall in high school and then taking millions of pictures of friends, family, pets and kids. I chalk it up to a crappy memory, you can just remember so much more with a picture. :)

I've done so much research, read books, taken classes and mostly just practiced and practiced and learned from mistakes. There is so much to learn and I have just barely mastered the very tip of this iceberg that is photography. Sometimes it really can be hard work! Anyway I came across this story today and it made me laugh, cause I always get people asking what kind of camera I use....

A photographer is eating in a restaurant. It's slow, so the waiter makes small talk, and asks him what he does.

"I'm a photographer. I happen to have my portfolio handy. Would you like to see it?"

"Sure!" says the waiter, and he pours over the beautiful work.

"Wow! These are GREAT!" the waiter exclaims, "You must have a very expensive camera!"

Taken aback a bit, the photographer responds, "Yea, I guess it's okay," and finishes his meal.

At the end of the meal, the photographer calls the waiter over and says, "That was an excellent meal! Please tell the cook I thought he must have very expensive pots and pans!"

Adoption

2010-08-09T16:05:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks I've been preoccupied to say the least, and little/lot more ditzy than my usual self. ;) The reason is I've been spending a lot of time researching adoption. Adoption from a third world country.

It.has.consumed.me.

You see I have always been way too materialistic. I've never been rich or had large sums of money, but I've always been preoccupied with what I wear, how my hair's done or what I have. The green eyed monster gets a hold of me on a regular basis. I hate that about myself. Why have I cared so much about such unimportant stuff?

One of my greatest heros is Mother Theresa. She did so much for so many people and never cared about acquiring anything for herself. Why can't I be more like her? Infact all my heros cared more about helping people than helping themselves.... i.e. - My Mom, Grandmother and Gandhi (to name a few.)

A lot of people who choose to adopt talk about the time they received their "calling" to adopt. I always thought that was kind of weird until I got mine on May 22nd of this year. :) I always said when I was a little girl, "I'll have a couple kids naturally and I'll adopt a couple too." I've thought of it off and on since then but I've never been as serious about it as I am now.

Adoption can so much more time consuming and financially overwhelming than having a child naturally. Everyone has an opinion and it isn't always one you would like to hear. I've tried to keep this journey very close to my heart because it can be very painful. But I have a feeling my readers will take it easy on me, right? ;)

My husband and kids are all on board, of course the Duke's biggest concern is how we will be able to afford the whole process. It might take a while to save enough money to do this, but we are going to do this.

There is so much more to tell and I'll be updating here and there but for now I want you all to click here to read this amazing woman's blog post.

And ask yourselves, "Is This Wrong?"

The skinny on the skinny.

2010-08-05T23:05:00.000-07:00

I first started this blog to help track my weight loss.

I did pretty dang good for a while there and then one night I thought... One no bake cookie can't hurt - and BOOM! It's been down hill ever since!

I hate being overweight, it sucks so bad. But I do however LOVE giving into my every desire. :) Sad but true. And the older I get the harder it is to lose weight... I mean I go at it like a champ and fight tooth and nail to lose every pound that comes off, then the fight to keep it off is even harder. (It's a Jensen thing ((not my sisters)) My grams and aunts.)

So I start a diet (Oh, and calling it a life style change doesn't help me one bit) so don't get me started on that... Anyway I start my diet and sometimes I make it a week and sometimes I make it till breakfast. I'm kind of at a loss now. I've been trying to just accept me the way that I am... but I'm tired of being unhealthy.

When I was in 5th grade one day I was walking to school with a friend and she said, "I'm so fat I need to diet!" and I looked at her like she was crazy and said, "No your not!! Look at my legs compared to yours!" So we put them side by side (in our awesome spandex biking shorts) and compared. My meaty little legs looked pretty big next to her tiny chicken legs, and from that day forward I compared myself to everyone! I thought "If she thinks she's fat and my legs are wider than hers, I must be huge!"

Right after school I told my mom, "I need to diet! I wanna be skinny!" She explained to me that people are just built differently (Looking back I was stocky but not fat at all - besides the chubby cheeks, damn those cheeks!) Anyway....

She told me that my goal should never be to "Get skinny, it should be to get healthy." I love her, what a smart lady.

Anyway when she got sick I started putting on some weight.... I didn't even notice until we were at Lagoon one day and I was on the sky ride with my brother. (The Sky Ride is a ski lift that takes you over the park and just keeps going so you pass people coming the other direction the entire time.) Anyway as I was riding it a boy around my age (15ish) shouted at me, "What's your number?! 1-800-EAT-FOOD?!!" Oh how that hurt my little heart. (The awesome thing was that my brother shouted back at him, "What's your number 1-800-EAT-SHIT?!") But anyway it was like a light turned on and I started looking at pictures of me and I realized I had gained weight!

Ahhh! That's the worst thing to realize at age 15! I don't even remember eating a lot then. Anyway I went on this crash diet... I would crazy exercise at night before bed and during the day I would eat nothing. Literally nothing... I just didn't eat.... for 2 weeks.... until my friend started noticing and helped put a stop to it.

So after that, I learned how to lose weight in a healthier way, My grams J suggested I stop drinking milk and drink water instead. Whenever my friends and I would go out for food I would eat chicken instead of beef, and I drank water instead of soda. I also did crunches, sit-ups and pushups every night. I did have a little good stuff sometimes, but I tried pretty hard to watch it all throughout the rest of High School. (Went from and 8/10 to a 4/5) Seriously that was all I had to do! Being young was so awesome.

But now each time I try to lose weight I have to cut out more and more and am left feeling more and more deprived. I've lost 20lbs on Weight Watchers... three different times. I've tried all kinds of other funky stuff. But what I've noticed is when I'm feeling down I gain more weight. It's been a crazy year and I've gotten to be a much bigger girl. Phooey! But the good news is, I have several good changes coming up in my life and I already feel the need to get healthier.

I'm going to start small and work my way up. I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm going to try. I'm going to pay attention to what I eat, I'm going to try and lose some weight, but I'm not going to set myself up for failure by saying I'm going to lose 70 lbs because then I don't even feel proud of losing 20. I'll try and blog it out here and there, because then I'll feel more accountable.

If any of you struggle with weight or have any ideas or tips, I would love to hear from you! But I'm allergic to fresh fruits and veggies, so if your plan involves those I can't do it. Oh and if it involves running, I can't do that either. ;) K- more like just really don't want to. :P

So, my new goal isn't to get skinny, it's to get healthy!

Thanks Mom!

Even more things...

2010-08-03T23:12:00.000-07:00

31) My short wide shoes came today, turns out they were plenty wide but not even short. My friend with a size 9 foot could fit into the "size 5's" She also tells me I should start wearing Dr. Martens again cause they are nice and wide.... I really don't wanna revisit the 90's, tell me what you all think... really I need some advice! I have a few pairs out in the garage... (I shudder to think.)

32) This is how old I'm going to be on my next birthday. Makes.me.sick.

33) This very day I took my house off the market (6 months on the market and only 1 showing) and offered it to someone to try and short sell it. Crossing our fingers, because found a really great house to rent until we're able to buy again!

34) Damn the housing crash.

35) I have towels left in the washer since yesterday, so I have to go dump some bleach in and rewash.

36) I am addicted to my google reader, absolutely addicted! It comes before Pepsi people!

37) My baby girl didn't do well at daycare today. She cried a lot, I cried a lot. I think I might start taking her to work with me and put her behind a desk - if she cries tomorrow I'm picking her up. Seriously.

38) My son LOVED it today. At dinner we go around the table and say our favorite thing and our worst thing of the day... His favorite thing? Being at daycare. His worst thing? Not being there. I'll just pretend I didn't carry him in my womb for 9 months and then maybe it won't hurt so bad. ;)

39) I am really looking forward to some things coming up in our future, but I'm not quite ready to share them with the world yet... but seriously GREAT THINGS!

40) My advice to you? Listen to your dreams... the actual ones you have while sleeping. Not ALL of them but a few will give you such amazing insight and make your life so.much.better. Seriously.

41) My brother is laughing at me as he reads this, I just know it.

42) I'm simultaneously checking out Dr. Martens online while I write this and there are some cute ones out there.... but can I go there? Can I? Come on people I expect some comments on this one! Help a girl out!

43) I hate TV's in the bedroom, even when it's turned off it feels unsettling. Right now I have a TV in the bedroom. Guess who won that fight? We pick our battles, but I will be getting an armoire as soon as I can justify it. :P

44) As these random thoughts come to me I start googling them for ideas and places to shop. What did I ever do without the internet?

45) I love reading blogs. This kind of goes back to my reader addiction, but it's not quite like watching a popular TV show, you can't just walk up to anyone and say, "did you see so and so's post today!? Oh my gosh!" Well I do have a few blog buddies I can dish with but sometimes you ask them, "did you see so and so's blog today?" and they give you a blank stare or vice vera and then blog addresses and ad them to your reader and in a few days you could dish, but then sometime that blog isn't compatible with that friend and your all alone in your admiration and can't dish about certain people like they're your regular friends.

46) Me and my blog/reader addicted friends are on a first name basis with Brittany. She just doesn't know it. And you should totally read her blog so when we're talking about Brittany you know who we're referring to... our BFF. Ya, sounds kind of creepy when I put it out there like that. :P

47) I'm so freaking tired... this is what working days does to a girl, it puts her to bed before 1:00.... have I mentioned I hate working days?

Blogging-It-Out

2010-08-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

This is a break from my "things" just so I can rant a little and feel better. I've been working nights for the past while and it has been so nice to have so much time with my kids. Doug worked 8-3 and I worked 3-10. I've just loved being with them so much. Granted I didn't get much done around the house like I should have, but I really loved the time we've spent together.

Well news came down from the top that I had to go back on days. It's really hard to pay so much daycare and also be without my kids. I get exactly 3 hours with them per night for 5 days in a row. I don't know if I can handle being away from them that long.

Right now London is crying in her bed for me to come hold her, it's an hour and a half past her bedtime. It breaks my heart that I can't just go in and hold her, but she's a sneaky lil devil and will end up doing this every night if I do.

We were very lucky to find someone really sweet and kind to watch our kids. I'm also very lucky we will have a month before school starts so Jameson can be there to help London get used to it before he's gone all day. The worst thing that happened today after their first day there was they DID NOT seem to miss ME! ;) I know, I know, thats a very good thing. But I know lil Lo thrives on routine, so this is going to be very hard on her... and it turn its excruciating for me. I just pray that this will be good for our family and that she will get used to it fast. I have no worries for my J-man, he thrives on constant change and being able to socialize for hours on end. So no worries there. They really seemed to love it today, but my lil Lo has been thrown off since then and acting very clingy. :(

It's also hard on Dottie... yes Dottie, our dog. Now she's home alone all day. :P I know, I know she's a dog, but it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. ;)

London has finally stopped crying so thank goodness for that! See blogging-it-out helps in more ways than one, it helps get crap off your chest AND it keeps you away from things you shouldn't be doing!

I know I'm not going through anymore than most families are right now. Times are tough, moms are working again, families are sharing a car, people are downsizing their houses and holding off having kids. It's hard out there and I'm super grateful for all that I have. I really am. But sometimes it just helps to blog-it-out.

More things....

2010-07-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

20) Sometimes (lots of times) I start projects and don't finish them. Thats why I'm back on here working on my list!

21) Sometimes I think I have it all figured out..... and then 3.2 seconds later I realize I don't.

22) Yesterday I was on the freeway and there was a highway patrolman off the side of the road with his lights on, and some guy in a big ole nice truck went barreling past him at least 15 MPH over the speed limit and I thought, "Thats hot, laughing in the face of authority." and then I thought, but if that cop pulled him over I would think, "What a loser." Sick? Maybe. :)

23) When someone hurts my friend I take it pretty personally, I get all emotional and protective but if someone hurts me I usually let it go pretty quickly.

24) I have this personal belief that you should only wear swim wear while swimming (or at a beach or pool or whatnot). Maybe I would feel different if I was a size 2 but it makes me feel like I'm ogling people when they are walking around town in a bikini... because I most likely am. :P

25) I love top 40... like really love it, and recently I've been wondering, Am I too old? Will teenagers think I'm a looney/crazy/trying to hard to be cool parent? And then I think, why do I care?

26) I personally think the type of music someone is listening to says a lot about them, for instance if your spouse is listening to a lot of breakup songs, you should be worried. IMHO

27) I have to wear shoes at all time, except when I'm in bed I suppose. I hate going barefoot, it makes me feel unbalanced.

28) I'm switching back to dayshift and it really breaks my heart I can't be with my kids as much.

29) My daughter broke my glasses so right now they are band-aided together.... seriously.... the lens is band-aided into the frame, they look SOOOOOO dorky, but sometimes in the morning when I go to grab a Pepsi I forget I'm still wearing them so I try and remember to take them off at the drive through window but usually forget.

30) My short fat shoes still haven't arrived, Monday they tell me. I can't wait.

(10 more down 70 to go!)

Things...

2010-07-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

My brother wrote 100 (more like 30 something) random things about himself on his super secret not quite secret blog... I thought it was really fun to read so I'm sorta doing the same here!

1) Sometimes when I'm designing an ad my mind turns to mush and everything I do seems "ugly" and it's as if my creativity died, so I have to work on something else for a little while then come back to it.

2) I used to get bummed out when someone would send me an ad and then ask me to re-do it as close to the one they had as possible cause I wanted so badly to be creative, but lately when I get one like that, I think *Wheew! Down time.

3) Can you tell I'm at work? Taking a break from on of those creative blocks I'm having?

4) Today my workplace reeks of sewage because we're having technical difficulties, so I have to run home to use the bathroom.

5) Sometimes when I have an upset tummy the only thing I feel like eating is ice cream. My mom never quite believed me, and neither does my husband, BUT my sister "gets me" and took me out for ice cream for dinner tonight. :)

6) TMI- I dislike very much reading about kids poop on their parents blogs or facebook, so I'll make this short... there was an unfortunate incident today and I ended up showering with my 2 year old.

7) We are having a baby contest at work right now and the more babies I see the more I realize, you can't judge a baby, there are just WAY to many cute ones!

8) Have you ever talked to someone and all they talk about is all the cute stuff their kids do? Does it drive you nuts? Me too.... but I keep catching myself doing it all.the.time.

9) I la-la-love having kids but when I'm always preoccupied with them it makes me feel like a bad Aunt.
:(

10) I'm having a giveaway on one of my other blogs!!

11) There are so many birthdays and events in July I sometimes worry that the people in my life during this month don't get enough attention from me.

12) Postsecret.com makes me feel so much less looney! I love it!

13) Sometimes... k maybe a lot I type on my keyboard like I play the piano.... Lift! lift! Curl your fingers! Anything worth doing, is worth doing pretty.

14) I have super short super wide feet... surprise surprise, so I usually have to buy shoes a couple sizes bigger than I need just to accommodate my horribly wide feet. My mom was such a gorgeous woman yet this is the trait I inherit from her?

15) I measured my feet and searched online for HOURS and HOURS to find CUTE shoes that will fit me just right, I found some that just might work... I am not so patiently waiting for them to arrive!!! Just think, 31 years old and this will be my first pair of shoes that fit me!!

16) Me and my sister were just talking about this.... I get so excited to buy something and then I forget about it and it stays in the bag and gets kicked around the house until it goes missing or worse, and most likely, I leave it in the car... for.ev.er.

17) My husband does the grocery shopping.

18) Never I repeat NEVER take your husband to IKEA with you. It just ruins the experience.

19) K-back to work, but more later... I'll get to 100 someday.

Hide-A-Key Turtle

2010-07-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

Once I had a hide-a-key turtle that sat out front of my house in my flower(weed) bed.

Anytime I really needed a key to get in my house I realized I had forgotten to put one in there and ended up calling a locksmith.

Have I mentioned that I've called a locksmith to open my house 5 times? 5 times and I've only lived here 2.5 years.

Anyway one day my sister checked the turtle for the key to get in... maybe she wanted to rob me or steal my underwear, I don't remember, but what I do remember is her calling me freaking out saying she found a black widow hiding in my hide-a-key turtle.

WTH?

So I called her brother-in-law who collects black widows and makes them into rings (yep, no joke) to come pick up the little bugger. By the time he came to get him, he was gone.

Well needless to say I didn't trust that turtle anymore. He never really helped out except to give a scary spider a home, so I put him in a pot I have out on my porch.

Why? I have no clue.

So there he sat for months and months and maybe even years and on the way out to the car yesterday J-man picked up a thick piece of hard black plastic that he found on the lawn and declared it looked "EXACLY like a brick of gold, except for the gold part."

It was the bottom piece of that stupid hide-a-key turtle.

So at the store he begged and pleaded me to buy him some gold paint so he could paint that thing. He said that "yes, it is against the law to make fake money, but not fake gold."

So we bought the gold paint.

On our way home we passed a lemonade stand and he asked if we could stop. I've never stopped at one before because it's a pain and I never carry cash on me anyway.

Well yesterday I actually did have a little cash on me and this strange desire to make my kids day as well as the kids who were selling it.

So we stopped and bought some very sour lemonade and then J-man stopped to collect some unripened apples that fell off their tree... we loaded up and off we went.

When we got home he started getting upset. REALLY upset. Where was his piece of "gold"? Where had it gone!? He searched the car high and low came in the house and began WAILING and SOBBING and the tears, oh.my.gosh. the tears were everywhere.

"Buying the paint was a waste of money!!!!!! I'll never find a brick of gold again!!!!!! My hopes and dreams are over!!!! I'll never be happy again!!!!!!!!!"

Blah blah blah... I don't know where he gets this dramatic gene from. :P

Anyway, I told him to go sit on his bed until he could control himself and I went out to find the damn piece of the hide-a-key turtle that ended up being as precious as gold (literally) to my son.

Stupid hide-a-key turtle... I've always hated him.

So I searched high and low in our car..... then got a bit sidetracked by cleaning it out some and bringing in our clothes from boating LAST WEEK.

Anywho- we decided that he had probably dropped his "gold" at the lemonade stand while gathering apples.

By this time he had been crying for a good 15/20 minutes and I had to go to work, Doug was just getting home to take over.

So I asked Doug to please take him back to the friggin' lemonade stand (clear across town) to find that stupid thing.

He did, cause sometimes he's cool like that.

A little while later I got a call from Doug saying he did find his gold and he couldn't be happier! Hooray!!

...

Today I found London chewing on the unpainted block of gold and yelled, "James!!! Come get your gold before your sister losses it!!"

And he said, "I don't care anymore mom, she can have it."

Reminicing

2010-07-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

Those were the days!

What would I have EVER done without such an amazing support system?!

How lucky am I?

Skip A Rope

2010-07-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

I was editing a few pictures of my Grandpa Davis tonight.

This is one of him holding my mom.

I love it.

I used to run quite a few errands with Grandpa and he would talk to (lecture) me and play me some of his favorite songs. This one was one of them. I remember him driving me over to Logan to pick up my car and he had me listen to this one quite a few times. He thought it was really funny/true, so while I was editing this picture I listened to it a few times.

I love that man.

Skip A Rope

Skip a rope skip a rope listen to the children while they play
Ain't it kinda funny what kids all say skip a rope

Daddy hates mama mama hates dad
Last night you should've heard the fight they had
Gave little sister another bad dream she woke us all up with a terrible scream
Skip a rope skip a rope...

Cheat on your taxes don't be a fool what was that they said about the golden rule
Never mind the rules just play to win and hate your neighbor for the shade of his skin
Skip a rope skip a rope...

Stub 'em in the back that's the name of the game
And mama and daddy are the ones to blame
Skip a rope skip a rope listen to the children while they play
It's not really funny what children say skip a rope
Skip a rope skip a rope

No Regrets

2010-07-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

Me: 7-17-99

I enjoy living life with the mantras "No regrets" and "Everything happens for a reason."

I've always believed that everything does in fact happen for a reason. No regrets seems to come a little harder to me. Last night I watched a movie that said, "life is a series of events." and thought. Exactly. It's so weird to think who I was 10 years ago is not who I am today. I've always been the same exact person essentially, but have grown in leaps in bounds spiritually.

Yesterday would have been my 11th wedding anniversary had I stayed married to my first husband. The thing that takes me by surprise the most was how young I was back then. I look like a baby in that picture. I'm even sporting my *gasp* natural hair color! When it came to getting married at that moment in time, to the person I married, I can say in all sincerity... It happened for a reason, and I have no regrets. It was a wonderful and fun time for me. Planning a wedding, bridesmaid dresses for my best friends and sisters, shopping for a wedding dress with my Grams, having a big reception with so many people I adored, and "playing house" when it was all said and done.

I'm even more happy that we went our separate ways when we did. It was time. Time to move on to the lives we were both meant to live. Time to be who we really were and stop kidding ourselves. If we hadn't of divorced, I would have never had my son. My son was the pinnacle of my life at that time. Getting pregnant with him was the turning point in my life and helped me figure out who I really was and what I stood for. He literally saved my life. I would have never of had him if I had never married Jed or divorced him.

Everything happens for a reason.

Now living without regrets is a little harder. Doug and I eloped. We were married at the court house with just my son and the two of us. We planned to have a big reception later that year when we had the money for it. But then Doug's mom died and it just didn't seem right to not have anyone on Doug's side of the family there. It at least didn't seem right to me. It's hard not to regret not inviting her. It's hard not to regret not having a wedding or pictures. But I have to keep reminding myself that everything does indeed happen for a reason, even if we don't know the reason at the time.... or sometimes not at all.

I look at that picture of me as a young bride and think, I really thought I had lived through a lot at that point. I thought that I knew so much. It really makes me appreciate growing older and the experiences I've had. Sure, getting older physically sucks, but it's so worth the knowledge you gain. I wonder what I'll think a decade from now when I look at pictures of me at this time of life.

Sometimes I wish I had it all figured out. But if I did, I really don't think I would have as much fun. Taking life by the horns and making your own decisions is really what it's all about. It's strange to think some of my so called "wrong" decisions in the past have brought me the most joy.

No regrets.

Everything happens for a reason.

Happy non-Anniversary to me and the family I would have never had without it.

Menopause?

2010-07-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

It used to be when I jumped into bed my head hit the pillow and I was out.

I miss those days.

Now Doug is out as soon as he goes to bed and I lay there and look at the ceiling and think about a bunch of crap I can't do anything about at the time. So I put going to bed off. Like right now.

I even made my bedroom all zen like and painted it calm colors.... I listen to "Sounds of Serenity" to help me drift into a dreamlike state.

Doug's in bed sleeping, or close to it and I'm here with all you folks.

I really hope I get this sleep thing figured out.

Some of the ladies I work with say insomnia is one of the signs of menopause.

Oh my hell, can you imagine? First of all I'm 31, second of all... don't tell the office hypochondriac that!

So I have an appointment with the girly doctor next week.

I can just picture how thats going to go.

Dr.- How can I help you?

Me- I can't sleep.

Dr.- Ummmm....

Me- Is my time up? Is my body shutting down? Do I have to take calcium supplements? Will I never have another child again? Can I throw birth control out the window? Do I have to dye my hair now, instead of want to? Do I need to go on medicare? Do I need to buy Poise pads and take Detrol?

Dr.- Ummmmmm......

Me- Am I overreacting? Should I have gone to a sleep clinic instead? Should I just give up caffeine forever? Should I take Ambien now because I have to instead of want to?

Dr.- Ummmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Me- Well?

Dr.- I think our time here is up, just make sure to visit billing before you leave.

Sometimes...

2010-07-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have to go through a really dark nasty shit filled tunnel to come out on the other side.... Channeling The Shawshank Redemption.

Sometimes you have to feel the overwhelming excruciatingly painful throws of labor to come out on the other side... Channeling Child Birth.

Sometimes you have to feel the incredible suffocation of agonizing pain in your heart in order to come out on the other side.... Channeling Grief.

I'm proud to say I'm now coming out on the other side of grief.... and it is

B•E•A•U•T•I•F•U•L•!

You HAVE to go through the fire... you can't keep avoiding it.... It will hurt... but it just makes the other side....... that.

much.

more. magical.

Compliments

2010-06-28T20:05:00.001-07:00

So I'm really bad at giving compliments.

I just think to myself silently..."Wow! That chick is awesome!" or "Her blog rocks"

or "I wish my butt looked that good in jeans!"

but I never really tell people.

Well never really TOLD people

But I've changed my ways.

I've decided to tell people what I think.

And guess what I've noticed since I started??

It makes people uncomfortable.

LOL!

No, seriously..... It does.

Is that going to stop me?!

Usually. :P

But I'm gonna keep on keepin on,

I'm going to try.

Cause what good does it do me to hold my utter adoration inside?

Dreams and Unloading

2010-06-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

You know the kind you have a night... not the goal type dreams. :)

Sometimes I just read into them WAY too much, and the freak me out or make me feel certain ways I don't want to feel.

Okay for instance I had this totally insane dream last night that dealt with being in a polygamist relationship, riding in the back of a bus with no driver, building a home for people I didn't like, and ended up with me giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to a rat because my little cousin couldn't live without it.

WTH?

What did I eat you ask? PB&J like I do every night I stay up WAY too late and think I deserve a new dinner. ;)

Okay I'm winding down with random thoughts... mostly to get them off my mind, not so much for the entertainment of the reader. ;P

I'm mad I had to work tonight and miss my cousins reception.

I'm mad I got myself sucked into another book I can't stop thinking about until it's over.

I'm frustrated because my RAW files are taking too long in one program, but in the other I can't edit them as much.... anyone know how to make workflow go faster? Maybe I'll find that in a forum somewhere.... hmmm......

I get off work in 3 minutes and then I get to go home and read that dang book!

My allergies are terrible.

My dog is becoming my shadow and I'm turning into those weird people who just assume everyone should love their dog as much as they do. *shutter*

It's my friends birthday tomorrow and I can't forget!

I have so many pictures I have yet to blog or print or edit or do anything with just sitting on my stick and or computer and it makes me not want to take more for fear of getting even more behind on what? My hobby!? Why do I stress myself out like that for no reason?

It's getting late and perhaps that is why my mind is racing... it's gearing up for a long sleepless night.

I need to make a Dr.'s appointment for something legitimate but since I'm always such a hypochondriac I don't even want to make my appointment because I'm afraid she'll just think it's another one of my needless worries. Doh!

I'm officially off work now so I can just leave, but then I'll read that dang book and then my mind will race and I won't sleep anyway, so I think I'll unload publicly for a few more minutes to see if it helps. :) Lucky you!

My husband cleaned the house thoroughly and it stresses me out. Why? Cause I know that it's going to be a mess soon and then I'll feel guilty.

Lol- I'm now realizing unloading is going to make me seem crazy, so maybe I shouldn't put all my undies out on the interwebs for you all to laugh at and contemplate taking my children.

Now I'm thinking, "screw it" in not so nice terms because it makes me feel better and I know I'm usually pretty stable. :P

I love my kiddos so much. I've had fun spending the mornings with them again even if they think they need to be entertained every second of the day... (Can't wait for school!)

Ahhhhh... I'm starting to feel better now and more than ready to kiss my hubby, mess up the house a bit and read my book.

Thank you internet!

(just realizing this sounds like Michael sounds in his diary when it gets read out loud at Jan's deposition. :)))

Never Mind.

2010-06-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

So I've had this idea swimming around in my head for a while now, and idea of something fun I could do on this blog.... but it would be something I would have to commit to, you know like a weekly posting about topic I had in mind..... So I was about to announce it on here but then I felt....

The PRESSURE!! The pressure of giving myself one more thing to do. One more deadline to meet. And one that really wouldn't knock the world for a loop or make too much of a difference in anyones life other than my own.

So I guess I'm telling myself "No" instead.

Do you ever have a hard time telling someone no?

Well I do... ESPECIALLY when it comes to saying no to my OWN crazy ideas, lol.

But for the sake of not dropping any other balls I'm juggling right now, I'll put this idea on the back burner for now.... and in the mean time I really think you should watch this... :)

It just might put a smile on your face like it did mine!

I first saw this on http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com

The Newsies Meet Lady Gaga!

Ni-night time.

2010-06-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

I have to go to bed. Why? Because it's nearly 1 am.

But I just lay there... and lay there.... and lay there....

and toss.... and turn.....

and hit Doug when he snores.....

and kick the dog when she gets too close for comfort.....

and open the window.....

then shut it.....

then check on the kids.....

then get a drink.....

then take allergy pill and vitamin.....

then pee.....

then try and sleep again....

then make a half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich....

then turn on the fan.....

then turn it off because it blows my hair and tickles my face.....

then hit Doug for snoring again.....

then lay on my stomach cause it's more comfy.....

until my back starts hurting.....

then kick off my blankets cause I'm hot......

then burrow back under cause I'm cold......

then toss.....

and turn......

and think of all the things I have to do tomorrow.....

then think of all the things I've done today......

then remember odd dreams and wonder if they apply to my life......

then remember the good times.....

and bad......

and toss....

and turn......

and hit Doug for snoring......

and roll on my side to see if thats better........

then open the window.....

then pee again......

then check my phone to see if my alarm is on......

then count down how many more hours I have until the kids wake me up.....

then toss and turn....

then count down from 300 by 3's like Dr. Oz said to.....

then get a head ache.....

then think of more things.......

then realize my contacts are still in.......

then take them out......

and double check that all the doors are locked.....

check the thermostat and adjust as needed......

let the dog out to go pee......

toss.....

turn........

By my prediction I'll be out like a light around three...... three thirty...... four.........

better get started!

Girls Night....Babies... and the Po Po

2010-06-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

Have you seen it?
Are you a girl?
Then you MUST see this movie!
You laugh, you cry, you get grossed out, upset, but most of all you just feel.
Ahhhh.....
A much needed release... this beautiful movie called Babies.
My little sissies Air and Mad have been waiting to see it forever too.... so we loaded up, and grabbed a couple freeloaders from next door and went to the Great Salt Lake!
Okay so not the Great Salt Lake.... just SLC... but still. :P

After we got our much needed Pepsi, we grabbed our much needed lil sis Air from O-town and headed out.

After the movie we shot some album covers in the parking garage. :P

This is the suicidal shot, not only because we are three floors up threatening to jump... but also when comparing my backside to theirs while seeing this for the first time I had those same thoughts all over again. ;)
Then we decided to get our up close mug shots....

"Hi! I'm Chelsea! And Rileigh does not leave me feeling disturbed... therefore I am family."

"Hi, I'm Aariel and this broody/sexy look was not my idea...."

"Hi, I'm Madi and I beat down every other girl for shot gun..... and they were afraid... rightly so."

"Hi, I'm Rileigh, and I'm much too pretty to be this darn entertaining...."

"Hi, I'm Brein! And this is the only angle I'm willing to let someone photograph me from and just for your peace of mind, yet I have had my roots touched up since then."
But seriously? It was so friggin nice to get outta the house... although I chuckle to think that once we all left our babies at home we sat for 2 hours and watched other peoples babies.
But we got to hear some future criminals planning a robbery, whilst eating at Denny's...
and we may or may not have called 911 on an impaired driver and FOLLOWED them with our flashers on (at dispatches request)
....
We decided that drinking Pepsi, living in a small town, and pretending like a trip to SLC is exciting is much better than a life in law enforcement....
So we're hoping next time we all get out we can just have our little heads in the sand.
:P
Oh geez... life as a mom and not being pulled over on a girls night is kind of nice...
and thats how we roll. :)

I get an itch...

2010-06-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get an itch to do something crafty.

For instance I wanted so badly to make my little Lo a blanket for her birthday.

(Back in the day my Aunt Kirsten and I used to make crib quits by the dozen for Primary Children's Hospital, it was a crazy passion we had right before Christmas. It came as quickly as it went and I haven't made one since. It's probably been about 10 years ago.)

So I found this amazingly cute fabric- *Correction, my sister Aariel found this amazingly cute fabric- that I had to use. I LOVE it.

So I began the project in hopes that I would finish before Lolo's birthday.

A couple things went wrong.

First, I bought fabric that was too narrow to make a twin, so I ended up making a weird crib/lap quilt size.

Second, I either cut it or sewed it crooked, so one end is a little smaller than the other. It.drives.me.crazy.

Third, the top piece seems uneven with the bottom.

Forth, I tied regular knots in the yarn instead of square knots.

Fifth, the other night

SHE BARFED ALL OVER IT!!!

And Sixth, the yarn started to fray and turn into black little hair balls in the dryer, that is the ones that aren't coming undone.

And the kicker is, I told James I would make him one for his birthday too.

...

.....

........

This is worse than trying to get out of a homework assignment.

I really don't think I can do this again!!! HELP- Any ideas??

To: Grams - Love: Bre

2010-06-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

It's not that I can't live without you... its that I don't know how.

I was so spoiled to have such a soft place to fall.

I know letters meant a lot to you but I was always afraid of writing you one. You proudly displayed all the wonderful notes you got and I didn't want anyone to read one I had written...

I'm sorry.

So even though it's too late I am sharing my thoughts of you unashamed to the world.

I'm the luckiest girl alive to have had such unconditional love.

Whenever I was feeling down, a quick trip to your house made everything better. Always.

I always knew I could call you in the middle of the night and you would not only pick up but be happy to hear from me.

How did I luck out to have such a special friend?

You never let me down.

I feel so lost without you.

My rock. My angel. My best friend has moved on. And the thing is, I'm happy for you. I really am glad you don't have the physical restraints you did here and I'm glad you get to be with your Mom, Dad, Daughter and Hubby again.

I feel like all the moments we had together were lived on borrowed time.

I really can't get past how I was given such an amazing gift as having you as my friend.

I feel so guilty for desperately holding on to you these past couple years. You must have been so lonely when everyone went home and the phone stopped ringing. You must have longed to see your loved ones who were all ready on the other side.

So really I feel guilty for being so sad your gone.

I couldn't go to the cemetery with the rest of the family yesterday like we've always done, because it would tear my heart out to go without you.

There are so many days when me and the kids just go for a ride and I think, "We should go see grams!" and then realize your not there.

Please know that without you I wouldn't be who I am today.

Without you, I wouldn't have made it.

You have shown me what it truly means to love unconditionally, and that gift you gave to me I share with my family. You have blessed many generations to come.

I love you.

When Harry met Stubby.

2010-05-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

So on one of my all time favorite movies "When Harry Met Sally."..... ( if you haven't seen it, get the hell off my blog.) I kid! I kid! But rent it, you won't regret it, it's a CLASSIC!

....

Anyway, there is this part where she is telling Harry about her and her boyfriends relationship and she says....

"We'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moments notice."

Then she tells Harry, she said to her boyfriend...

"The thing is, Joe, we never fly to Rome on a moments notice."

And Harry says.... "And the kitchen floor?"

And Sally says.... "Not once. It's this very cold hard, Mexican ceramic tile."

Now if you haven't seen the movie, turn off your computer and go watch it now. HELLO!?

....

Now your asking yourself.... "Uh Bre, what does that have to do with the price of rice in China?" (Thanks mom for that old saying!)

Well I'll tell you. :)

Once upon a time I got my nails done about every 3 weeks. You know the hard, fake, acrylic, french tip kind? Ya, and I would change the colors of them and get little flowers, and do-dads on them and I looked, albiet very Utahan but also... very put together... like I actually cared. And if my hair was a mess and my make-up undone, golly darn it, I still had my nails did! ;)

Until I realized I was dropping around $25 a week. And thats a good deal I got because I worked in a salon. So I decided to stop getting them done because....

"Without having to pay for my nails I could use that money buy a new shirt once a month, and update my wardrobe more regularly. I could buy some cute costume jewelry or scan E-bay for stuff I just HAVE to have or maybe a new CD here or there."

But thing is, Joe, I never use that money on a new shirt or costume jewelry, or E-bay.....

And you ask..... and the CD?

"Get with the times weirdo..... CD's aren't the way to go, itunes is, and I don't even do that!"

The moral of the story:

If your husband isn't giving you grief over spending some $$ on pampering yourself here and there.... DON'T QUIT. Not worth it, because come on ladies, with kids and bills and hubbies and such, it's hard to spend money on yourself without feeling guilty. So stick with the program! Like your mama always told you.... "Never give up." See even your MOM wants you to get your nails done!

Wait a minute, what you ask? Why don't I just start getting them done again!? Have you ever had to get used to having nails or NOT having nails?! Ouch! Not worth it to start again either! I'm just gonna chill with my little Vienna Sausage fingers and try and buy me one of those darn cassette tapes sometime or maybe a cool 8 track here and there. :P

How my dog taught me about God...

2010-05-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

My dog likes to eat people food. LOTS of people food. Bad people food, you know the kind that is slowly clogging our arteries and such? The kind of people food people shouldn't eat.

Well Mama's gotta draw the line somewhere.

So she gives me these BIG BROWN EYES and she whines this pathetic sad little whine and I go to give her something naughty and then remember how it could kill her.

So I pondered on this last night, much like you would ponder something after smoking a large amount of herbs of some kind and I thought and I thought and YES.... I figured it out.

I am God, my dog is me.

Wait a minute! That sounded bad, what I mean is..... I can't give my dog everything she wants and I can't explain it to her because we don't speak the same language and she couldn't even understand if we did. All she sees is everyone eating chocolate but her. It must break her little heart and make her think we don't love her as much..... so for a moment I wondered if thats how God feels. He is sad that we don't understand why we're going through what we're going through but no matter how much he wants to explain it to us, he can't and we wouldn't understand him he did.

Ya think? I think.

So let's not be sad when everyone else gets chocolate but us... or something we love is taken away.... it just might be for our own good.

I know, I know easier said than done.... but I'm going to try and eat my milk bone and stop begging and just learn to be grateful for what I have.

True Confession?

2010-05-11T15:35:00.001-07:00

Is this thing on? *crickets*

So my sister and I have this thing we do where we call each other and say... "True confession?".... then randomly spill our guts about something usually embarrassing or something we think we did that is terrible and then it makes us both feel better.

Today I take it to my blog..... so here it is...

My husband and kids took me out to brunch for Mothers Day. I LOVE them for this I really do! I picked my favorite place to go. So we sat there studying the menu trying to find something our lil girl isn't allergic to... which is a pain in the... well you know, it's hard. So by the time we finally picked out what we wanted and ordered our kids were acting like..... well kids. Slightly naughty kids. James was talking and talking and his voice kept getting louder and louder.... and London kept playing with the blinds, so we finally moved her to a high chair. Then James started playing with the blinds. So the Duke starts getting on his case, which just stresses me out. And then Little Lo started getting worse and worse and dumped my glass onto the floor and started crying and screaming and trying to get out of her chair all while James was telling us more stories and Doug started getting mad at Lo for acting crazy which again stresses me out so while we waited and WAITED for our food... I finally got up and went into the bathroom.

True confession....?

I didn't have to go.

I just sat in there for 20 minutes just trying to get my wits about me.

By the time I came back to the table everyone had gotten their food and had already eaten it and my waffle was cold.

True confession....?

it was worth it. :)

Happy Mothers Day!

BAM

2010-05-04T20:42:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I'm going about my life in a total nonchalant way, minding my own business and

BAM

it hits me.

Like tonight as I was glancing over the news paper hot off the press and glanced at the obituaries and saw a cute little old lady just passed away at the ripe ole age of 84.... then it reminds me my sweet grandma just passed away at 86..........BAM.

Then 2 seconds later my ever loving Lady Gaga station on Pandora starts playing High Enough by Damn Yankees.... well that takes me to the 90's which takes me to my mom and BAM that hits me too.

I hate those kind of BAM moments.......

so tonight as I'm going to write down some of my good BAM moments to cheer myself up and remind me how sweet life is.

A couple weeks ago I was tending my darling niece Lola and she had this funny look on her face right before she would start to cry and it looked JUST like my mom. Precious!!! The first time she did I thought... who does she look like? She reminds me of someone and BAM it hit me. :) I love that a decade and a half after my mom passed away, a sweet little baby enters this world and can pull a face just like her. :)

Life.Goes.On.

Every morning I get my little girl out of her crib and hold her up to see out her high bedroom window and thats when I get a chance to really soak it all in.... I study her beautiful eyes and cute little nostrils and then plant a big fat kiss on her rose bud lips..... and then BAM it hits me...... she's mine and I get to be her mom! :)

Also I still haven't named our dog so today me and London were just calling her "Baby." Well she got out of the backyard and ran and ran, so London and I went outside and I started calling "BAaaaaaby!!! BAAAAAABBBBYYYYY!!!!" and then London put her cute little chubby hands up to her face and called.... "Baaaaabbbbbbyyyyy Whoaaa Waaaa! Baaaaaaaaaby Whoaaaa Waaa!!!!"

and BAM it hits me... she's calling Baby Lola :)

Yes, life is pretty sweet. :)

Current Thoughts

2010-04-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

My daughter won't let me do her hair and likes wearing her brothers clothes..... I was hoping for all pink and big bows.

My dog still doesn't have a name and when she runs away I think that might be why.

I feel more picky with her name than I did my children.... thats scary.

My son is me reincarnated.... thats scary..

Trying to find something to do with bored kids in the rain, what do you mean blogging isn't helping?

Once my grandpa told me his grandpa was making soup and said if the damn cat jumped up on the counter again, he'd chop it up and put it in the soup and it did and he did. I still don't know if thats true or not, but James remembers that story and is giving me 20 questions about it right now.

Nows he's asking me about the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man.

Now he's giving me an ultimatum.... "either I play my game or you let me go to Nathans, so which one will it be?"

Now I'm explaining ultimatums and why we don't give them to our mothers.

Now I'm gonna call Madi and see what we can do for our playdate cause I'm going insane.

Now he's asking me if I've ever met the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man.

Now he dropped a treasure down the heater vent and my daughter is reaching in their getting dirty....

gotta go......

Can't sleep....

2010-04-25T23:40:00.000-07:00

So I've stayed up WAY to late tonight editing pictures and finally decided to shut down my computer and go to bed...

Then I watched my desktop background fade away and I cried.

Because on it is a picture of Grams.

So I thought the best thing to do was turn this thing back on and write because it makes me feel better and puts things into perspective for me...

and as she always said "Everything looks worse at night."

So here goes........

Since my mom died I always had this scared feeling of being on this planet without a mom, well Grams really took a lot of that fright away. It's this feeling of unconditional love I really think I have only felt from my mom and grams. Not saying no one else has loved me, it's just that love you feel from a mom.

The day after Grams died I thought to myself, "Wait a minute, I'm alone! I don't have a mom or a surrogate mom anymore! What do I do?!" And I felt this amazing peaceful feeling and realized that after all the love they have given me and all they have taught me I don't need to be afraid anymore. I don't need to find a surrogate because I can become what they were to me. I want to be the listening ear, I want to be the one who unconditionally loves my children and other people I adopt, and you know what? I already do. I can do this because of those two beautiful women in my life that taught me what true beauty and grace are.

I miss them both fiercely but I realize that they were too big for this world. They helped so many people while they were here, but there are so many more people they can help now. They are needed and they love what they do and are good at it. I am so blessed that I was part of their big beautiful lives and I am so happy that they are able to do what they love and help people without the restraints their bodies put on them while they were here.

So yes, it's hard, and my heart breaks, but I know that this is the way it is supposed to be, I know that they are better off and I know that I am better off for having the time I had with them here. I only hope that I can take what they've taught me and become even the tiniest part of what they are.

Life is hard, but life is good, and I am grateful.

Goodnight.

2010-04-17T22:35:00.000-07:00

I miss her hands.

I miss her smile.

I miss her surprised look.

I miss our talks.

Something really exciting happened today and she's the first person I would have wanted to tell.

I miss her so much.

Embarrassing Moment

2010-04-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. I'm the queen of embarrassing moments.

Sad but true.

A few days ago I was home alone getting ready. When I got out of the shower I noticed the blinds were completely open in our big front window. Well I have a knack for running around half naked when I'm trying to get ready, so I thought I better shut them. We have a couch in front of the window so I have to stand on it in order to reach the blinds, so I stood up on the couch in my towel and started lowering them. Then outta nowhere my towel completely fell off when the blinds were just above my belly button.

I.Could.Have.Died.

Instead I drew a picture so you could all share in the humiliation with me, just incase you missed it that day.

I may or may not have made myself appear more attractive in this picture than it actually was. :)

But you get the idea. :P

My Angel Grandma.

2010-04-08T10:51:00.001-07:00

When my mom was dying my dad told me I couldn't take my problems to her anymore.

She had been my rock.

I didn't understand.

I do now.

So as I cried in her lap and told her I didn't know what to do,

I didn't know who to talk to or depend on she told me,

"Talk to my Mom."

The thought that went through my 15 year old mind was...

"Are you kidding? She's old!"

And although my grandma was the sweetest person on the planet and had always been there for me I didn't realize that she would be able to relate to the problems of a troubled teenager.

And when my mother died and my world was forever changed...

I took her advice.

....

My grandma saved my life.

She softened the blow of losing a mother.

Despite all the pain she was going through losing her baby...

She became my rock.

She could relate to a teenager and had better advice than anyone I've ever met.

She protected me from everything and everyone.

She could take on Mike Tyson and win.

I'm not even lying.

...

And the most precious gift she gave me was seeing people through her eyes.

She taught me the love a mother has for her children,

when I just saw a friendly aunt and nice uncles,

she showed me they were her babies.

They were her love.

And I felt a love for them through her eyes.

She told me of their accomplishments.

Of their pain.

She told me how she valued being a mother over everything else.

...

She showed me compassion for all people.

There was a time when I would pick her up once a week and take her around to

preform random acts of kindness and charity for people she loved.

People who suffered and felt they had no one.

And I watched her battle Grandpa when he would get on her case for

giving so much away.

She would give everything she had to help someone in need.

It made her happy.

....

I saw her love for her brothers and sister, nieces and nephews, grandchildren and great grandchildren, friends and neighbors.

Anyone who knew her was touched by her in some way.

And she valued them and counted them all as dear friends.

...

When I would take a problem I had to her such as a fight with a sister,

she would tell me their point of view with such love and compassion I would leave her

house loving them even more than before the argument.

When I wanted to cut myself off from the world completely

she would show me the beauty I would miss.

...

The reason she left, was because she had so much more to give.

So many more people are being touched by her pure love now.

Her heart was too big for only this world.

...

Thank you Grandma for showing me how to love.

Grandpa always told me if I learned to emulate you I would have it made.

My promise to you is to try.

I will miss you until the end of my days.

You are and have always been an angel.

Avoidance

2010-04-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

I've decided avoidance is my worst enemy. It's what I always do and it always makes things worse.

So for this past while I have been trying to avoid the fact that my grandmas health is declining.

Yesterday we got some really shitty news, so last night I was feeling pretty low.

Sometimes it's hard to give yourself permission to grieve when you know so many other people in this world are going through worse things than you are. Sometimes it's hard to grieve when I know that just last year Doug lost his mom and had no father or siblings to comfort him.

It's also hard to grieve when I realize the enormous blessings God has given me and my family. The blessing of allowing my grandma to live for 86 years and touch so many lives. Her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, nieces, nephews, siblings, friends, neighbors, the list goes on and on. She is a truly extraordinary woman.

It's really hard to follow in her footsteps. She makes loving everyone seem so easy.

It's been a couple years since I've had a real conversation with her (because she has dementia) and I've been trying avoid the loneliness I feel. When I couldn't talk to anyone else, I could always talk to her. I have always talked to her about every silly little thing. Even the not so silly things. No one knows me as well as she does. No one knows my heart like her.

I'm so lucky to have a wonderful family to depend on, and I hope that I can be a comfort to them as well. This isn't going to be easy for anyone, she was close to all of her family.

We have a hard road ahead.

But I guess thats what happens when your grandma's a rock star.

Grief sucks.

Blessings rock.

My grandma rocks.

2010-04-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

Blank Stare

is how I handle it, how I cope.

Fake Smile

protecting the pain so it can't get worse.

Slowed Down

frozen thoughts keep me immobile.

Meaningless Conversation

how I try to avoid... try to forget.

Move on

what I'll have to do and can't bear the thought.

Vague Post

how I feel better without having to talk to anyone.

Detached

how I prefer to live while I deal.

Hibernate

what I want to do more than anything.

My menu bar makes me shy.

2010-03-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

So I had this great idea to put a menu bar on all of my blogs to help keep them straight and easy to get to. BUT the skinny has been my semi-private-secret-blog that I never really had out in the open like this before and now that I have a button.... well.... I'm a been nervous to post my innermost thoughts.

So maybe just a random few confessions tonight... and sometime when I get some guts I'll spill em!

• I hate riding with angry drivers. Like lets say someone cuts us off and Doug is driving and he's yelling and swearing and ready to flip the bird... I'm like "Please calm down! Don't tail them or flip them off! Maybe they're having a bad day! Maybe their kid got diagnosed with something serious! Maybe their dog died! Maybe they just found out their spouse is cheating!... Maybe, maybe, maybe....." I always feel so bad for the unidentified bad driver.

(That is probably my only Mother Teresa-like trait.)

• My mom always used to check on us in our beds before she went to sleep. I don't always do that and then I feel really guilty.

• I can't go to bed on time. Everyday I tell myself I'll go to bed at eleven. I even programed my computer to shut off then, but it doesn't help. I stay up as late as I can stand it and by the time I'm walking around like a zombie I make my way to bed and can't sleep. Then I can't get up in the morning. I always tell the Duke we still need parents to make us go to bed on time.

• I obsessed with dying, but when it comes to eating healthy and exercising, I don't do those things like I should. Which is probably going to kill me, so maybe that means I'm a passive-aggressive-hypochondriac-masochist? See... now I'm gonna have to google that.

• I have laundry I should be doing.

• I'm bored of this game.

Night night!

Addict

2010-03-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

Fatty Foods may cause Cocaine-like Addiction.

Duh.

Crazy Freak

2010-03-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

I'm a crazy freak.

So crazy I was afraid to post this, then I thought.... what the freak?

Here goes....

I got a prescription over the phone. I asked my Dr. to prescribe something different than my usual drug because that one makes me really sick.... AND has shown to cause cancer in animals that have ingested it over a long periods of time. How do I know this? I read. I read a lot because I'm freakishly paranoid about mortality, mine and those I love.

So she prescribed me something new. Hooray! And it wasn't expensive which is nice because we don't have insurance yet. So I picked up my brand spankin' new prescription and begin to read. I read about how sometimes this prescription has KILLED people. It's rare but after looking online I find it's killed 40 people. It didn't say if that was yearly or total BUT that is 40 people who all had loved ones or people who depended on them. Was I going to chance my life on a prescription that probably won't but could kill me... just because the other one made me sick... and causes cancer in rodents?

It sounded like the first drug was the lesser of two evils.

Like I said I'm a freak.

So...

I called my Dr. and asked her to switch me back, which she did because she's patient.

So...

I picked up that cancer causing nasty prescription and just before bed I popped that sucker in my mouth and immediately started gagging and nearly threw up everywhere.

It seriously makes me so sick.

So...

I began investigating other meds that might work, I find one with the least amount of side effects and beg my Dr. to switch it one more time.

Like I said she's patient but I wouldn't be surprised if she fired herself off my service one day.

So I send the Duke to go get if for me cause I'm so embarrassed to be switching again, I mean my Dr. knows I'm paranoid but this will clue in the Pharmacist and I don't want him to look at me the way everyone else who knows does.

So he goes. And finds out its $68. And leaves empty handed.

So I BEG the man, seriously it's only $66 more than the other one AND it probably won't kill me! Isn't my life worth $68?!? Isn't it?!?!??!

So he finds room in our budget for this left field expense.

So I take it.

And I have some weird side effects, (my skin was crawling) so I call my Dr. yet again.... "Is this okay?! Can I still take it?"

Then I get it together after being harassed my some coworkers and the Duke who refuses to pick me up a new one...

So I'm taking one tonight and Duke grabs the bottle and says..... "your taking these wrong."

WHAT?! In my frantic attempt to read every side effect and drug interaction and scour the internet I just happen to skip reading the DOSAGE CORRECTLY.

Seriously!? Does this mean my paranoia is going to eventually kill me?!

Duke asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. Huh? "We're just going for a little ride down south to check out this great facility for people like you."

Hey, I might be crazy... but I'm alive damn it.

For now.

(Knock on wood)

See? Freak!

Baby Voice

2010-03-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

A long long time ago... before most of you were born... I fell in true (cough, cough) love.

The year was 1997.

The place.... well let's just say there was baby powder blue abound.

The first kiss... a party on the couch.

The voice I and he used together....

The baby voice.

I would like to use this post as a public apology to anyone who may have overheard us talking that way! Please, please, PLEASE tell me we never did that in public!

From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry!

I was stupid.

And young.

And dumb.

"I wuv ooo sooo much!"

I use that voice now, on my baby.

I'm sure it drives some people crazy but that I'm not apologizing for.

My carpal tunnel's too painful to punch you in the face.

2010-03-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

My carpal tunnel is coming back...

Thanks Gymnastics.

Thanks Super Mario.

Thanks Autoliv.

Thanks Hair School.

Thanks Salon Days.

The Dr. said the surgery would last about 5 years at worst and a lifetime at best. It's been 4.5 years. (I think) When I finally got surgery he said I had significant nerve damage and had lost 80% strength in my right hand and 60% strength in the left. He said it was most likely permanent.

When I was pregnant with J-man it got so bad I couldn't even sign a check.

I don't want to go back to that place! So what do I chose to do???

...

....

Type.

I've done this to myself.

--------

On another note my son got called a "Chicken Butt Idiot" on the bus today... I said, "What did you say to that?" He said I told him he was a "Chicken Butt Idiot."

Then I said, "Whoa son you gotta come up with something different that what he said."

So he said "like Chicken Ass Idiot?"

Me- "He he... er um no. James thats a swear word you know you can't say that right?!!!

Him - "Well mom ass is just another word for butt."

ME- Grrr. "Yes I know and you CAN'T swear.. plus thats not really changing it up."

Him - "I know! I know! How about Chicken Butt Moron!!"

Me- "No! No Chicken! No Butt! No Idiot! Something completely different something original!"

Then it hits me.... I am teaching my kid how to call another kid names?

Oops.

So then I say "Never mind let's talk about this later."

So I get to thinking... What am I supposed to do in this situation? My mom and dad used to tell me to ignore a kid who called me names, and that only made things worse.

I know they gave me the best advice they had, but then I grew up not quite knowing how to ever defend myself....

Soooo... I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I'll think on it and in the mean time I think I'll be just fine never hearing "Chicken Butt Idiot" again.

Any clever ideas? Feel free to give me great ideas for helping keep my kid from getting whomped on or me teaching him how to sucker punch the kid. ;)

Sometimes blog posts can be shorter than status updates.

2010-03-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, rain or shine, I'm getting my bike out!

Religious Tolerance

2010-03-16T11:31:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, every time I saw there was another comment on my "Raising Them Right" blog post I got a little excited. 19 comments!? Wow thats some kind of record for me! Then I would read it and see it was just one family member arguing with another and I would get this sinking feeling. You see this blog is about love.... love and bitching and moaning, and whining and laughing, well you get it. But it's not about debating religion.

So as much as I loved having so many comments, I have decided to suspend that blog post. Some of you had some awesome comments and I thank you for those. :) Don't be afraid to comment my blog now, k? I'm just done with it being used as a place to debate religion.

Kisses!

Funky Smell

2010-03-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

I may as well just say it. If you can't stand the word poo, get off this blog, cause I'm a mom and say things I never thought I would... you can't stop me now!

So my latest tangent....

Apple Cinnamon smells like Poo.

Eww I know right? But why?

Because the bathroom where I work doesn't have a fan, but what it does have is a can of

Apple Cinnamon Air Freshener

and that has been the air freshener of choice since I started there.

So for over 4 years I have associated that smell with,

oh crap someone recently used the bathroom.

So needless to say, it has ruined many a Christmas Candle for me,

and

this poor lady that I met with last week smelled so strong like it, my first thought was....

This lady smells like poo.

Nope! Just apple cinnamon. :P

Oh geez.

Has anyone else had a seemingly innocent smell ruined for them too?

Do tell!

Bestest

2010-03-11T13:51:00.000-08:00

My grandma is my best friend.

The last couple years she has been getting more and more forgetful.

She hasn't really known who I am for about a year now.

But she still treats me like I'm her best friend, which leads me to believe she had many many best friends over the years. She just loves people. :)

It's so hard to see her forget more and more and get more confused.

When I go see her I either leave her on a high because she's doing well

or on an extreme low because she isn't.

So I've stayed away much more than I would have liked.

I wish I was stronger.

Last night I sat and visited with her for a few minutes, I took her hand and said

and asked what she wanted to do.

She said all she wanted to do was be with me.

SOooooo cute, even though she didn't know who I even was. :P

So I sat with her for a while and she didn't say much at all, she just stared off into space while I talked and talked and eventually we both just sat in silence, and then she fell asleep.

Then just before I got up to leave she said...

"We had a really good time didn't we?"

I laughed and said yes, kissed her and eventually left on a high.

We really have had a good time.

Logan bathrooms make me sad.

2010-03-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

I know... weird eh? But thats the skinny. :P

The Duke and I went on a date to Logan. We went to the Indian Oven.... which I LOVE. Mmmmm....

So I go in the bathroom and notice the toilet paper holder is the same one at my grandmas house.

The same one that I remember my grandpa bringing home when they redid the bathroom.

It made me miss him. It made me sad.

Then on our way home we stopped by the Flying J and I went to the bathroom.. (I drink a lot of pepsi okay!?) Anyway the air freshener in there (which smelled great by the way) reminded me of my mother-in-law. Because we went to Doug's graduation together and we stopped there for a potty break and to get some treats. I have great memories of her harassing her boyfriend and buying pork rinds there.

It made me miss her. It made me sad.

I am officially insane.

RIP Patsy

2010-03-05T15:44:00.000-08:00

For the past week I have been obsessed with Patsy Cline and wasn't sure why. I listen to her everyday. Then today as I was checking out her on YouTube I find out it's been 47 years today since her passing.

So here's a shout out to Pasty...

We miss you beautiful! Your Unforgettable!!!

How to make a little girl angry.

2010-03-04T11:32:00.000-08:00

When I was little I was enamored with my mom. I wanted to look just like her.

She was tall and had dark brown hair and wore lipstick to Sorority.

She always smelled good and had really soft skin.

She had big pretty eyes and put mascara on her eyelashes.

She was so girly and feminine. I loved her high heels, necklaces, dresses and yes even her boobs.

I just couldn't wait to be a woman just like her someday.

BUT...

Everywhere I went people would say, "You look just like your dad don't you!?"

Now don't get me wrong, I think my dad is an attractive man and I adore him...

BUT he's a man!

And I was a little girl who wanted to look just like her mom!

So I took that as I looked like a BOY.

So I grew up thinking I looked manly. I would get so so sad and upset because all I wanted was to be pretty and feminine just like my mom.

So now when I see little girls that look like their dads I try not to say anything because I don't want them growing up thinking they look man'ish.'

I still look like my dad and sometimes I still feel like I look man'ish. Bah!

It's funny how silly stuff like that sticks with you!

BUT according to this I'm equal!! I even tried it twice with different pictures!

I may just be a girl after all! lol!

Girl Crush

2010-03-02T15:54:00.000-08:00

I have 2 girl crushes and they have the same type of look. Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry.

What I love love love about them is their DARK hair, FAIR skin and HEAVY bangs.

Since I'm not a lesbian, I just enjoy looking at them, I think they are 2 of the prettiest girls on the planet. I wish I looked like that.

However that does NOT mean at a whopping 4 foot nothing and being a bit chunky I can pull this look off.

I love going dark, because I want to look as pretty as they do. And I love to get bangs. EVERY time I get my hair cut I say give me some bangs and EVERY time I get them I think WHAT did I DO? These do NOT look good on me.

...

As I try and side sweep my short little blonde bangs I have to remember this for next time.

Remind me will you?

Skinny Girls can't eat Cake

2010-03-01T22:49:00.001-08:00

Don't do it!

Don't you dare!

Be skinny and fabulous and all those things you know the rest of us want to be....

but don't eat cake OR any other fattening

food that you just LOVE and then put your skinny little

chocolate covered face on your blog and expect any of us to love you.

....

I want to picture you unhappy and chewing on a celery stick.

...

Ok?

Thanks!

(This post is not directed to anyone in particular or any sister that can eat whatever she wants ;))

It's just a jealous chunky girl wishing she could do that too. :)

Fear vs. Customer Service

2010-02-26T08:55:00.001-08:00

my dilemma...

In the mornings I visit this place to get my daily dose of caffeine to get me going.

There are two 7-11's in this town.

Known as the "North Sev" and the "South Sev"

but just so no feelings are hurt I'll call them 7-11 A and 7-11 B in no particular order.

Both offer pretty much the same stuff.... except

customer service (IMHO).

So heres the problem...

Once upon a time I went 7-11, A and while there I saw an old acquaintance

we said a quick hi and went about our day.

Then... a few days later....

He died.

They said he was sick, but I couldn't tell by our brief encounter.

It was really sad. He was really young. It was unexpected, no one thought he was that sick.

....

Fast forward to about a month or so ago.

I'm at 7-11 A and I run into an old acquaintance.

We say a quick "hi" and go about our day.

Then later that day...

She died.

It was really unexpected. She was also very young.

They still don't know why. It was really sad.

and WEIRD.

So I deemed 7-11 A cursed and vowed never to go back.

So I start going to 7-11 B.

Well some of the people at 7-11 B just aren't as nice.

They look at me like they are bothered by my presence.

I feel awkward like I just walked into a conversation

and they have to wait for me to leave just to finish it.

(There is one nice girl there but it doesn't seem to make a

difference when the rest of the workers are glaring at you)

So today, I decided to go back to the cursed 7-11 A.

I really missed the employees!

So now I've decided when I see an acquaintance there I should maybe ask them how they're doing. Or quit being so shy and just talk to them.

We'll see how this goes.

Weekend with Halle.

2010-02-21T21:56:00.000-08:00

It all began with me going to Walmart to buy humidifier filters... you know a story is gonna be good when it opens up that way... right? right?

So I arrive at 10:00 friday night and don't leave until 11:45.

Why?

Because I was at the store without kids or a husband and I had to carefully examine every shade of lipstick they had. You see I have just barely dared venture into lipstick wearing. For years at the most I would go with is tinted gloss because I always feel like I'm trying too hard or something..... Anywho...

Oh and I had to smell every bottle of perfume they had. Earlier that evening the Duke asked... "Why don't you wear perfume anymore?" and I said, "Cause my huge ole bottle of Hugo Deep Red has been missing for 6 months and I can't go buy more knowing it's right here under my nose, plus I DO wear smelly good lotions and sprays." To which he replied, "It's just not sexy to smell like a gift shop."

Bah. Why do I feel the need to please?

So I stood for nearly an hour "scratching" and sniffing all the nasty bottles of perfume that had already been handled by hoards of preteens just so I could surprise him by smelling "sexy" when I got home.

Well of course I love the fruity fragrances, not the spicy, flowery, "sexy" kinds. So it came down to 2 choices... one I liked and one I could tolerate....

I really did like the Celine Dion one but it did smell maybe too berryish to be sexy?
And I thought... ya Celine has nice legs, but Halle Berry is ALL OVER sexy, right?

So Halle it was.

Then off to my sisters for a spell and home in bed by one thirty, The Duke snoring and not even having the chance to smell my delightful surprise I practically bathed in.....

And then came 2:00 today.

Wait what? Huh? That's right I was sick in bed ALL weekend, I slept all day Saturday right on through the night to Sunday afternoon. UGH I was sooooo sick.

So after I tried to get myself back together today, you know brush teeth, eat, basic things like that, I remembered my new perfume.... So I got it out of my purse to show the Duke and guess what...

Now that smell makes me SICK. I guess that's what happens when you stay in bed with Halle all weekend... just sayin'.

I promised an update, but...

2010-02-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

I missed my class...

That's right I'm joining a 12 step program.

I have a very addictive personality, which is why I love my food right now.

The only time I have lost some serious weight was when

I transferred my addiction to something worse than food.

Now don't call the cops... if my problem was meth

I wouldn't be a fatty or still have these fabulous teeth! ;)

Pretty much I've been an addict (to something or another) since I was about 19.

12 years is a long time.

Right now my problem is yummy yummy food

and I want to kick it without picking up any other bad habits.

Even though I'm pretty sure my hubby would be stoked if I became a sex addict. lol.

So this is my change.... now let's just see if I make it to my first meeting.

The Skinny WAS skinny

2010-02-16T11:10:00.000-08:00

This is the Duke and I before we got fat.

I don't post full body shots of me anymore... Just head shots at nice angles.

That's sad.

We don't have a family picture because we feel so unattractive.

That's sad.

We have to change.

Tonight is the night I change.....

The Fat on the Skinny

2010-02-14T22:46:00.000-08:00

The Duke and I have our "skinny" pictures up on the fridge to ward us off of eating everything inside.

Unfortunately that is not where we keep the chocolate.... and the pictures aren't hanging on Shifty's drive up window.

Needless to say we haven't been doing such a great job with our "life style change" - like wording it that way helps.

But tomorrow is Monday and every Monday we start again.... so fingers crossed and belts tightened.... we proceed.

Death is Part of Life?

2010-02-12T09:42:00.000-08:00

I never bought into that old adage. Of course it's part of life but who wants to admit that? It's bull shit really. It's a pretty brutal way to look at things. Here you go around living your life and then BAM someone is no longer here.

It hits you.

YOUR world stops.

I remember the day after my mom died I was riding in the car down main street while my dad drove and I looked out the window at regular people going about their daily lives. It shocked me, that even though my world had been rocked... they acted like nothing had happened. Well of course nothing had happened to them, but it really somehow took me by surprise that life kept going on as usual. It made me a bit resentful, how could they keep on going?

After working at a news paper for over four years I have seen my fair share of obituaries. It really hit me hard to realize when I first started here that people in this same little town were losing their loved ones EVERYDAY. I've often wondered if they have ever seen me go about my daily life and resented me for it.

I couldn't blame them.

If breaks my heart for all these people going through horrific ordeals daily. It can really be and event that questions your faith. It makes you wonder why.

I've have lost love ones, no question...

But I have never lost a Child, a Sibling, a Father, a Grandma, an Aunt, an Uncle, a Best Friend. And every circumstance is different.

I am so lucky. There are so many of you going through unimaginable pain right now.

I'm so sorry.

I pray for you.

And a couple times a day my world stops for you.

Breast is Best?

2010-02-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

Graphic: Girls only. Trust me dudes you'll thank me for the warning. ;)

Women usually get quite passionate over breast feeding, one way or the other... for example...

The Anti breast feeders.... "Eww! That is sick, perverted. Etc"

The Pro breast feeders... "Breast is best, it helps you bond with your baby. Your baby will get all the vitamins and antibodies it needs from your breast milk. It promotes immunity. It's cheaper. It's natural. Etc. Etc."

Here is how I feel. (cause I know you are all dying to know)

Some women can't breast feed, not matter how hard they try. Some women REALLY want to breast feed their babies and give them the very best. Some women enlist every lactation specialist in the hospital and every La leche volunteer they can at home. Some women buy/rent the very best breast pumps in the world only to pump out blood instead. Yes blood. Some women already have postpartum depression and the added stress of not being able to breast feed just might put them over the edge.

So as much as you may love breast feeding, and as much as you know how good it is for your baby, please don't push it on anyone.

This goes likewise for the non-breast feeders... Don't judge maybe there is a woman out there that agrees with you, but she can't afford formula.

Can't we all just get along?

*This is really for all the La Leche nazis that made me feel like crap. So no one take this personally please.... that is if you are my friend/family and your worried you offended me at some time. You didn't. :)

Oh no you didn't!

2010-02-01T08:43:00.000-08:00

Oh yes I did!...

AND I love it!

How old is too old? Don't answer that.

2010-01-30T13:46:00.001-08:00

Yesterday at work I confided in my buddy (voice of reason) about my hair..... it went something like this...

Me: "I hate my hair!"

Her: "Okay...........? What do you hate about it?"

Me: "I hate that when it curly it's outta control and frizzy and when it's straight it's flat to my head... I think I'm going to dye it or cut it."

Her: "And how would that fix either of those problems?"

Me: "Doh! Grrrrr..... I dunno! I just need a change!!"

Her: "I think what your wanting is just MORE hair."

She may as well have hit me in the head with a dummy stick! DUH! Damn it, this is what I feared.

I will change it.

I will hate it.

And that is my life with my hair.

(btw Yes I am a l am a cosmetologist and can give everyone else hair advice but I'm completely baffled when it comes to my own.)

I always change it and always regret it.

I pretty sure it makes my friend Mal and sis Ri so MAD. Cause this trend has been going on for YEARS. And it's not their fault, they are fabulous stylists! It's me and my crazy ideas!

So I have an appointment it one hour with Ri.

I've been googling "how old is too old for pink hair?" (I always wanted to try it pink before I turned 30 figuring 30 is too old but never got around to it)

I also thought about putting it out there in facebook land... something like.... "Thinking of dying my hair pink? What do you all think?" but I knew the response I would get.

Everyone under 18 would say, "Go for it!"

Everyone else would say, "Oh, HELL no!"

I don't like hearing no because then I will want to do the opposite anyway.

So I'm counting down to my appointment.... going CRAZY wondering what to do...

Dye? Cut? Both? Pink? Something normal like every other Utah mom?

Only time will tell.

I one hour I will make my decision.

Comment all you like, I'm making this choice solo. :)

Grocery Shopping

2010-01-26T21:24:00.000-08:00

It all began two winters ago. I was early in my pregnancy and sick as a dog. So when I got home from work my ever loving husband would go out into the cold dark night and do the grocery shopping for poor sad lil me...

Fast forward two years. The Duke is still the grocery shopper of the family. Cause you know after the morning sickness, I was too swollen and big pregnant and after that I had a newborn I didn't want to take out and so it kind of just became his job.

I think he likes going because....

a. he decides how much to spend.

b. he buys actual food items that everyone will eat.

c. he gets out of the house.

d. he doesn't come home with just granola bars and make-up.

I think I like him going because....

a. I'm lazy.

b. it's hard to reach stuff on the top shelf.

c. I look like a little kid trying to push a big "grown up" shopping cart.

d. He buys actual food items everyone will eat.

Well tonight the Duke was sick and we were all out of groceries. So I went on a big girl shopping trip. (Not just the mini milk and diaper run - the whole sha-bang)

Sooooo.... I wandered around the grocery store like a complete moron. My, how 2 years out of the game really changes things. I didn't know where half the stuff on my list was, so I spent a majority of the time on the phone with the Duke asking for directions.

They say "if you don't use it you lose it"... well how was I to know that saying applied to buying toilet paper!?

Oh and my fruit and veggie allergy has made it very difficult to shop in the produce section. Mostly because I don't know how to pick anything out. Too hard, too soft, too brown, too small? I just don't get it.

I only had minor come aparts like freaking out because I forgot to sanitize my cart and I had to *gulp* touch meat.

So all in all I think it went really well. I bought actual food! I'm even going to try and make some of it tomorrow. I think the Duke enjoyed being pampered too.

Wheew! It's really kind of sad that all of this wife/mom behavior comes so easily to some and for some reason a girl like me just struggles....

I blame it on my childhood. I thought I was a little mom and always tried to do everything my mom did. I baby-sat my siblings ALLLLL the time. So I must have burned out around age 12. So really if you think about it... I'm really at retirement age in dog years.......

Miami sure sounds nice. :)

Grateful

2010-01-23T23:57:00.000-08:00

I'm grateful for life's experiences.

I'm grateful I followed my heart and not my head when marrying my first husband.

I'm grateful we went our separate ways when we did.

I'm grateful I had a best friend talk strait and see me through.

I'm grateful I got pregnant out of wedlock.

I'm grateful I didn't have a child before I was 24 years old.

I'm grateful I was send a child unlike any other.

I'm grateful I put blind faith in the universe and married my second husband.

I'm grateful it didn't work out.

I'm grateful my family that saw me through.

I'm grateful I dated the kindest man on the planet.

I'm grateful for the times we had even though it didn't work out.

I'm grateful I met my soul mate when I was 28.

I'm grateful my son chose him to be his father and he chose my son to be his.

I'm grateful I had a best friend who told me "when it's right you just know."

I'm grateful my uncle talked me past my fear into marrying the best man for me.

I'm grateful that when everyone told me it was too soon, I followed my heart instead.

I'm grateful we had our baby girl as quickly as we did.

I'm grateful we've stayed together through hard times.

I'm grateful that once I post this I'll go get into bed with my best friend.

.....

I'm grateful I didn't have it easy.

I'm grateful for all my mistakes.

I grateful I've grown so much this past decade.

I'm grateful that I'm not ashamed in anyway.

I'm grateful I finally see how things that I once thought were so hard made me who I am today.

I'm grateful for life's experiences.

I cooked.

2010-01-18T22:35:00.000-08:00

Today just happens to be the day I come out of the closet... or shall we say pantry.

I don't cook.

There I said it. It's off my chest. My husband is a wonderful cook and I have always been pretty happy with fast food and frozen meals. "Don't cry for me, I'm already dead." ~ Sorry a little Simpsons throw back for ya.

Anywho... This weekend I became embarrassed and ashamed of myself for my lack of culinary skills and decided to change.

I scoured the internet looking for a fabulous (easy) and most importantly healthy recipe I could whip up and serve my family.

I ended up finding a really great recipe for flautas. Who knew flautas could be healthy?!

So I took my time and shouted at the Duke for all of his "advice" and cooked my little heart out tonight.

We set the table and ate like regular folks do.... sheesh I may as well have worn an apron.

I'm freakin' Betty Crocker.... oh wait maybe she represents baking...

Anywho.......

It tasted fabulous!

......

...........

...................

And ever since dinner I have been sick.

I don't cook. I shouldn't have ever tried. Let's call a spade a spade. I mean there are other things I do well... right?

I guess now all I have left to work on is cleaning..........

But wait, I've actually hired my cousin to come in once a week and do the bulk of it.

okay fine... off with the apron...

the 50's sooo would have thrown me back.

Update: WW week 1

2010-01-13T22:06:00.000-08:00

So the Duke and I weighed in at our WW meeting.

ME -1.8 lbs

HIM -4.9 lbs

YAY-ish? This is gonna take forever and if you know me, you know patience is not my strong point.

I told the instructor how unfair it was that he got to eat more than me and how he lost way more than me and she said.....

"Aren't you glad that he is losing weight and getting healthy so he'll live longer?"

Whoa... I felt like an ass. YES, I am glad. I don't know why I get all whiney about this. So I guess it's time to buck up.

I went to the gym for the second time this week. I'm pretty friggin proud of myself. Thank goodness I have a gym buddy to yammer on to the whole time. 1 1/2 hours both days. :) Yay! I actually kind of like it? Never thought I would say that! I did however come home and take out 1/2 bag of popcorn, lil chocolate cupcakes and baked lays - (4 points all together.) Grrr... Ah well, beats my old habit of Jr Mints and Pepsi (14 points)

Ah time to get into bed and dream about rock hard abs. LMAO.

Right.

Get lost weight.

2010-01-10T23:07:00.000-08:00

So Doug and I started WW. Which pretty much means life is TOTALLY unfair. Jr. high enough for you?

The man gets TWICE as many points as me. Grrr..... anyway, hows it going you ask???

Really I'm just so hungry and wanting my comfort foods I'm ready to bite someone's head off. (bonus if it tastes any good.) ;)

Anyway weigh in is on Wednesday so I'll let you know how that goes. :P I'm a bit worried but think I can drop at least a pound or two by then.

I finally updated my sidebar with the real numbers of where I started and where I am going. I had a goal weight of less, but decided if I'm gonna lose I should just reach for the stars (in other words high school weight)

LOL! We'll just see how this goes.

Sick of being abused.

2010-01-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

Today I put makeup on to hide the scratches on my face. But as for my lip, nothing can hide that wound.

I've been abused by a 19 month old baby girl... she can be so mean!!!

I've never let J-man hit me because well it's wrong to hit, even more wrong to hit your mom AND he's a boy and isn't allowed to hit girls. So if he ever tried hit me I put the smack down (time out) on him right then and there.

Which is what I finally did last night to London.

I've put up with it for too long. (at least a week or two) But last night I finally had enough when she cut my lip.

I put that little stinker in her crib and let her scream and cry and bite the railings. Then every few minutes I would go in and ask if she was done and she would say "All done" so I would ask her to show me nice..... (which in our world means nicely petting someone's face) and she would say NO!!!!!! So I let her scream it out some more.

This went on for about 1/2 an hour.

You see, I spoil my kids until they get so rotten I can't even stand them, then I put the smack down and they start acting so good. And when they are well behaved the spoiling starts again and together we make them into little brats.

So I am definitely at fault here too. I'm not the only victim in this scenario.

But I will no longer let anyone (not even my adorable baby) hit me. :)

Where we're at

2010-01-05T22:05:00.000-08:00

The Duke and I are starting Weight Watchers tomorrow~! We have enabled each other tooooo much, so we HAVE to be on the same page.... and that page HAS to weigh less...

ALSO~ Duke took the LSAT and did okay. :P

What that means...

It means I have many different cities in my Weather Gadget on my Google Homepage that I judge harshly everyday. (Although everything beats Utah weather right now)

It means he might decide to retake it in February but more likely he will start applying *cough cough* AND paying application fees all over the place.

It means we might be living somewhere completely different next year.

But I hope it means he gets into the U and my life changes as minimally as possible. :)

The truth is in order to make our lives better AND help make this world a better place, law school is where we are headed. The most important thing is I get to take my babies wherever I go. AND my sisters will always have a couch for me to crash on, for my many MANY visits home.

But mostly I'm just a terrified lil homebody forcing myself to grow.

And for those of you who know me, growing has never been my thing, seeing as how I've never reached 5 feet.

Soap Box... consider yourself stood on.

2010-01-02T12:11:00.000-08:00

*Picture taken from ksl.com

They found her!! :D

What happened: A 2 year old girl was taken from her West Valley Utah home forcefully from her non-custodial abusive father. The police issued an Amber Alert warning he might be taking her to Mexico.

She was just found unharmed!

As I checked the morning news (KSL.com) and heard of this little girl being abducted it made me sick. How scary for a little one to go through that. How horribly sad and unfair.

Then I read the message boards...

I was and still am horrified. Some people used this story as a way to get their racist opinions across. Here is one quote....

votes 17

wellmedicated
12:20pm - Sat Jan 02nd, 2010

WHY STOP MEXICANS FROM HEADING TO MEXICO?

SEND MOM, BROTHERS,COUSINS,UNCLES, AUNTS, I'LL PAY !

Really? Really?! And here I thought it was 2010.

People like that make me sick. A two year old baby girl was

taken from her mothers arms. And you use this as an opportunity

to bash local mexicans? What is wrong with you?

And it's not just this guy. It's everywhere here. Racism is huge in

our area. I guess there are a lot of white folks upset that some

mexican people have come here and taken jobs that they refuse

to do.

I ask you.... If your children were hungry and you were unable to

feed them, or cloth them, would you consider moving to another

country in order to care for them? I would. Damn straight I would.

Would you wait years and years to make sure it was legal to cross

that border? I would cross that border with bullets flying past my

head. I would work a shitty job that other people refused to do.

I would do what ever it took, legal or otherwise.

Now the thing is MOST of this mexican population here is legal

and has been living here for generations! And even they get treated

as second class citizens. What is wrong with people? It is 2010.

Don't you think it time to turn over a new leaf? Maybe try the old

fashioned "put yourself in their shoes" approach?

Just because YOUR ancestors did all the work FOR YOU doesn't

mean you are any better than anyone else.

The thing I realize is that anyone who reads this blog is most likely

not one of those racist people I'm talking about. But let's make a

resolution. Lets not keep quiet anymore when our friends or

associates make racist comments. I'm so guilty of that. I hate to

rock the boat or argue with anyone. Because I know I can't change

their mind. But I'm not going to sit quietly anymore.

I'll miss you my friend!

2009-12-17T09:32:00.000-08:00

Seriously. This picture is fabulous! It totally reminds me of why I'm giving up the stuff.... yes, yes, again. :)

(The dude who did this is funny you should check out his stuff)

Anywho, so after watching a video of myself on the Dukes phone I have decided that its time to get back on the freakin' health bandwagon.

Here is my list of simple goals to see me through until after Christmas when I hit this bad biatch hard core.....

No more soda.

Lots of water.

Take ALL my vitamins.

When choosing meat only grilled chicken. (Sorry folks I don't eat fish)

No fries, tater-tots or the like.

No more Junior Mints.

I think these are fairly basic goals that aren't exactly life changing, but are doable. And through Christmas I just want doable. :)

Update on Weight Loss

2009-12-14T20:46:00.000-08:00

None to little... maybe gained... yes pretty sure I did. Me and my rolly polly hubby are starting again after Christmas. :D Wish us luck!

The day the music died

2009-12-13T18:35:00.001-08:00

My mom was a musician. She sang, played the piano and composed music.

My dad is a musician. He sings and plays the guitar like a pro.

I used to love to sing and play the piano. I even composed a song in 5th grade which I was quite proud of.

In 1994 I was a pretty obsessed with Phantom of the Opera. So obsessed that I listened to the CD, sang and played the songs on the piano all the time. Obsessed. haha. Anywho, so I just happened to be playing the song titled the Phantom of the Opera when my mom died. I didn't know she would go that day. I had no idea she would go at that time. I still feel guilty that that creepy sounding song was being played while she was "going toward the light."

Well later that year the inner Christine in me tried out for our high school madrigals. My voice instructor and I chose the song Think of Me. Pretty much all I wanted to be in high school was a madrigal. My mom was one and my cousins had all been madrigals. (I didn't have older siblings to look up to, so I thought they were the cats pajamas :)) Anyway after my mom died and my dad remarried life became a whirlwind. Everyone was trying to get through their grief, dealing with new siblings, a new house etc. Anyway, my grades suffered. I was so bummed because I didn't have the grades to audition. But by the grace of God my choir director decided to let me audition as long as I promised to get my grades up. Anyway... when it came time to audition a funny thing happened.

My mom showed up.

Now I'm not talking an actual apparition or anything like that. But I felt her. Plain as day. Sitting next to me as I waited for my turn to sing that song. So I cried. I cried the whole time I sang that dang song. I was a wreck and I pretty much sucked it up the whole time. Well the innocent little girl in me thought they would have to see past such a crappy audition and let me in right? They knew I could sing.... right?

Wrong.

I was told the reason I didn't make it was because the only way they would have let me in was if I blew them all away and came in first.

I took it pretty hard, okay really hard. Because as bad as not being in madrigals was to my little high school self my real problem was I needed my mom. The one thing that will always remind me of her is music. So while life began to change I quit singing. I started hanging out with different friends and doing anything I could to numb the pain of her loss. It was just too much to take.

You see, I was a very active die hard member of the LDS church when I was a teen, I was super uptight and judgmental. Now pay attention to this part. It wasn't because I was LDS. I know lots and lots of amazing NON judgmental LDS people, including close family and friends. Being uptight and judgmental is not something the church teaches. It was just a flaw in me. I was afraid to hang out with people who were "inactive or nonmembers." So I believe this new life I ventured out in was the best possible thing for me to experience.

I found out that these people were not bad. I found out they were actual intelligent people with actual feelings! Lol! I sure love my "rough crowd" ;) Anyway. I'm now in a place where I can hang with the "sinners and the saints." haha.

This year I have done a lot of processing with my mothers death. She has been gone 15 years and I'm finally in a place where I can deal with it. Instead of stuffing away every gut wrenching feeling I get, I try and experience it the best I can. It's freakin hard and it will last the rest of my life I'm sure. But I'm finally in a place I can heal. My friend just wrote an awesome blog the other day titled "because blogging is cheaper than therapy" She is SO right!

The other night, while surrounded by a wild and wooly bunch at a bar, I took the microphone and sang a song completely sober. It felt so good. Now I'm by no means an amazing singer, but I realized I quite enjoy it! The next day I listened to some Phantom of the Opera and got through it without crying. It has been 15 years...

and I think the music might finally coming back.

Last night I had a deep vein thrombosis...

2009-12-12T08:24:00.000-08:00

...or so I thought. A deep vein thrombosis in layman's terms is a blood clot deep within a vein usually in the leg that can dislodge at any moment, hit your lungs, heart or brain and kill you.

Why did I think I had this? Because I had a pain in my calf. But mostly because I am paranoid and pretty much once a week I worry that I have a life threatening condition. My husband thinks my only condition is Neurosis. I hope he's wrong.

Anyone who's close to me knows I have this hypochondriac"ish" problem. Many people speculate it was because my mom came down with a rare form of cancer and died from it. While that may have and probably did make matters much worse it's not the underlying cause. You could ask my mom if she was still here.

The first time I noticed it was when I turned 12 and graduated from the tylenol chewables to the swallow whole kind. (Have I mentioned on this blog before English wasn't my forte in school?) Anywho, I stood in the kitchen with a pill in one hand and a glass of water in the other arguing with my mom because I was just sure the pill would get stuck in my throat, shut off my airway and I would die before the ambulance got there. She was very frustrated with me over it and I of course took it as lack of caring.

My poor mom...

My poor friends...

My poor siblings...

My poor husband...

When everyone else can see I'm being a little too dramatic, I take it as if they don't care that I may die.

Now while this sounds a little narcissistic, my main concern now is the fear of me kicking off early and leaving my kids without a mom. Now that may have something to do with my moms disease. ;)

Tonight I feel alright other than I'm nauseous and pretty sure I'm anemic again, which is probable because it's not usually life threatening (which tips me off that I may not be over reacting) and I have battled it on and off for the past 10 years.

Your welcome for that bit of TMI and yes I realize I sound like an 80 year old woman discussing her ailments but if your reading this, you probably already know me and how I operate.

Amen.

Thanks a lot creepy guy.

2009-12-08T09:01:00.000-08:00

Thanks to some creepy dude outside my work a few nights back I have decided to go back to days. I have loved working nights because I get to spend so much more time with my kids AND not having to pay for daycare has been pretty nice.

It makes me so sad. :( I hate being away from my little ones more than necessary. Also, I'm not going to lie to you... having some alone time every night was quite enjoyable. But as for a look on the bright side. I get to associate with my coworkers again and I've missed them.

We'll see how it goes. I may just decide to buy a gun and go back to nights. (I've already found a couple I really like) Oh the democrat inside me is so embarrassed. But that whole right to bear arms thing is pretty nice, especially when a woman needs to feel safe.

Girls Night!

2009-10-13T22:03:00.001-07:00

Good Gracious, it's been a while since I got out with the girls!!

Ernl and Erica invited me to girls night and we had lots and lots of fun!

We all went to Tona for chicken, yum! Okay so some people had sushi... Okay everyone but me. :) Then we went to Brewski's and the back to Erica's for Jenga and dinosaur impressions. Erica finished up the night serenading us! Seriously she is sooooo good! Chicks with guitars are freakin' awesome.

This saturday I'm going on another girls night with Malinda and her fam. I don't even recognize myself with all these nights out! It's been a much needed brake.

On the diet front....

I SUCK.

Seriously.

SUCK. Gained a pound... weigh in friday so probably more.

I blame the cold. Comfort foods are soooo yummy and well, comforting! And it's too cold to exercise! Oh, and cake! I can't NOT eat my own birthday cake! That would be so rude. What?! Stop coming up with excuses and get my squishy butt out there?!??

Fine. The plan is to start all over again tomorrow. :)

I Choo's You!

2009-10-08T21:41:00.001-07:00

I want. I want. I need. I need.

So, uh... my birthday is coming up.

I love to dream!

Octo-brrr

2009-09-29T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've been sad, moody and unconsolable. I just couldn't understand why, then my husband said..."Looks like it's October" Ahhh yes, lightbulb. Every October I become a mess. It sucks because I never see it coming. Fall used to be my favorite season of the year. I love the sweaters, leaves and the feeling of change seemed to create an intangible excitement in the air. Somewhere in my early 20's all of a sudden October sucked. Nothing particularly went wrong. I just got this overwhelming feeling of sadness. After much reading and soul searching I figured it out. Duh. It's the anniversary of my mothers death.

It makes me so angry because I want to move past it and live my life. Maybe thats been the trouble all along. I don't want to remember it, dwell on it or feel it. I want to be normal. So I guess this is my souls way of reminding me. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to forget my Mom! I adore her and will remember her always.

I just don't want to remember her withering away before my eyes. I don't want to remember the cancer, the hospitals, the nurses in and out of our house, her crying in anguish, me sleeping on the couch so my dad could have my bed, constantly wondering if she died while I was at school, worrying about my younger brothers and sisters, wanting to help but feeling completely helpless, the never ending nights of praying, the picture of Jesus that hung above the couch I slept on, trying to go to school and act normal, wanting to discuss my problems and life with her and not being allowed to, the feeling of being let down by God, but mostly having to watch her suffer physically and emotionally day after day after day.

I don't want to remember. So I'm writing this down in hopes that as I send it out into cyber space it will take a load off my heart. I really want this October to be different. I want to enjoy my birthday and not have to remember the day after is the anniversary of her death.

Yay! and Noooo!!!

2009-09-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

So today has already been full and it's not even noon! For me thats quite a feat! (I work nights) So anyway first things first I weighed in. (The group changed weigh ins to friday cause they thought mondays were hard.) Anyway the good news.....

I lost 4 pounds! :)

and I earned it! This week was hard! I gave up my beloved Junior Mints and Pepsi (yes again lol)

It's been hard working nights and not having those to munch on. REALLY hard. But anyway that was the good news.

Then the bad news....

While helping out in my sons kindergarten class today a little guy came up to me and said...

"I was gonna say your fat, but decided not to."

I wanted to say: "You think I'm fat you should have seen me 6 months ago! I've worked hard to look this fat!"

What I really said: I explained to him that chubby is a nicer word but we still shouldn't say either. So later he came up to me and said.

"Your nice."

Okay I can see he's trying here. Then later he says to me....

"Your chubby AND pretty."

Hmmmm..... And thus the backhanded compliment was born.

So ya I've lost weight, but I have lot's more to go and that little guy actually did me a favor. I feel more motivated than I did before. :) Good thing he was cute!

And the Winner IS....

2009-09-10T11:40:00.000-07:00

Traci Locascio Pitcher!

Great job lady!

So our contest ended over a month ago. I haven't updated this thing cause... well let's face it. I have no readers! lol! But now on round two of this thing, I realized it's not for readers it's for me. :) Oh and Madi and Aariel I suppose. :P So heres the dets!

In between rounds I gained 3 lbs. Since then I lost and gained the same 2 lbs. So basically I suck.

I justify sucking with things like.. "I've lost 20+ pounds, I can have a pepsi." Grr..... Or my tire on my bike has been flat for like a month and I think..."Well it's dang near fall so why fix it?" Or "I've been working 15 to 20 hours overtime with peach days, so I can eat whatever I want cause I'm stuck here anyway." Blah blah, my inner Fat Head telling me it's okay to settle or gain.

I want to kill my inner Fat Head.

SO~ While I may or may not be partaking of peach cobbler. (I'll cross that bridge when I get there) I'm not going to give up anymore. I may cheat now and again though and thats okay as long as I don't give up.

So bear with me and hopefully I can do well this round. We have 2 more girls, sooo....

GO SLIM 7!

Damn..

2009-07-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

So I did terrible last week gaining 2 lbs. I'm wondering if it's because the competition is almost over and there is no way to beat Traci now. (That and one million things going on last week) This week I start out great in the mornings until about dinner time then my diet goes to hell. I really need to get my motivation back... I'm almost 1/2 way there. Does anyone out there in blogger land have any ideas or tips or advice or verbal spankings they would like to share?

Update

2009-07-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

Well I didn't lose any weight this week. :( But I didn't gain. :) But I didn't lose. :( hmmm... well I decided to kick it up a notch and met with a personal trainer yesterday. She was awesome and buff and gave me some really good tips. So I need to get my butt to the gym! I'll be able to go when Duke gets back. Wish me luck! I can't wait to get tough again!!

New Goal!

2009-07-09T20:59:00.000-07:00

To have a candid picture taken of me that I don't hate. When I get one I'll post it fo sho. Right now still struggling to have a pic taken that I am aware of that I like.

Opposite Anorexia

2009-07-07T11:22:00.000-07:00

This is a little cartoon I found illustrating how anorexia can distort the way you see yourself. Well for the past few years I've been the big lady in the mirror looking at the skinny lady thinking - hey the scale must be wrong I look alright!! I suck it in and smile and think "Hey babe-eh looking good!" Then I see a picture of myself and BAAAAMMMM it hits me, "Whoa fatty where did you come from?!" The mirror lies.

No one should ever trust a mirror. Cameras seem to be better at telling the truth. And don't even get me started on video!!!

Which takes me to the 4th of July. I felt sooo good because I bought jeans 4 sizes smaller than I usually wear!! Hooray! So I felt pretty dang good about myself. SO I thought I needed a pic of me with my lil girl because I already have good pix of me with my son. Well HELLO there big girl! Even though I have lost 24 pounds. (yep thats right 2 more this week!) I STILL LOOK LIKE THAT?!?!?!?!?!? But it was a GOOD thing I saw that picture! I was starting to feel like I had arrived, even though I'm only about 1/2 way to my goal. So it gave me a renewed sense of determination.

So watch out Slim6 ~ I'm going to win this competition!!!!

Okay okay I'm in!

2009-06-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

Erin asked me to join her Relay for Life team and I graciously said... no. Why? Because it's going to keep me up ALL night! But after having to face some pretty hard stuff this week with my Mom's birthday AND going through her stuff I got thinking.... How could I NOT be involved? Even though I think it's just a drop in the bucket, I can't give up! I can't just turn my back and say it's a lost cause. Because what if everyone turned their backs on it? Cancer CAN'T win in the end. Not while I sleep peacefully in my bed July 17th doing nothing to fight it. My Mom fought it for 6 months. That may not seem like very much time to some of you. But you didn't see it. If my mom could stay in the ring and fight for 6 whole months (even though they gave her 2 weeks to 2 months) then by damn I can stay up one night. It makes me sick to think how selfish I was.

So I'm in. If anyone would like to donate to our team that would be AMAZING!!!! We can't let the C word win. We just can't.

As for my weight, I lost 1 pound last week. BUT I went to the Dr. today and she tells me I've lost 22 pounds since she last saw me 2 1/2 months ago. So I'll take it! I guess I was fatter than I thought when I first started out.

My lil sis did good too this week! She kicked my butt for sure. :) Way to go sis!

Meet our newest (skinniest) member!!!

2009-06-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

Miss Aariel my youngest darling sister. She claims she has 15 lbs to lose- although she really does look great. But we are so happy to have her with us! It was a hard week this week. No one lost weight. No one. :( So we are all recommitting ourselves this week! I'm hoping for big numbers from all of us!

16 pounds so far!

2009-06-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

YAY! I won this week! 4 pounds. :)

Big changes in slim6 this week. Tracy (TS) found out she was expecting!

Yay!

And moving to Florida.

Boo!

So slim6 lost a member. :( I'm not sure if we're gonna be slim5 or if we will find us another member.

Comment if you want in on this grand adventure of weight loss! It's the best program I've ever done, more support than weight watchers AND it's pretty much FREE! Oh and a chance to win the pot is pretty freakin' awesome too.

So a bitter sweet week for us.

But did I mention I won? ;)

60 lbs!

2009-06-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

That is how much our group has lost! I however, did not lost one single pound this week. I'm pretty dang disappointed. :( Did I try hard? Yes, other than I ate out 2x on the weekend. But I had grilled chicken both times! Aww well, this next weigh in will be much better ~ I just know it! The past two nights I have been completely exhausted and feeling sick. My skin hurt everywhere and my joints. Duke says it's because I'm getting old. I'm not sure what it could be. because in the day I feel fine other than drained. I'm hoping tonight will be better because IT'S LOLO'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! Yay! I'm so excited for my little lady to have her very first party! We are having a Luau (see the Beaz at dougandbrein.blogspot.com) I'm sure she will eat her lei and not her cake, but thats okay I'm thrilled! Well kids I hope to report much better news next week. I have done very well on my healthy food consumption, but I'm hoping for bluer skies for my bike riding to make a comeback.

Xo!

The truth comes out.

2009-06-02T13:48:00.001-07:00

I'm going public! I can't believe it! I have never ever EVER posted a picture anywhere online that shows my gut or my double chin! Thank goodness for angles, I always look pretty decent. But I'm baring it all. It's helping me achieve my goal. To see my fat a$$ online gives me more motivation than anything else can.

So here is most of our group. KL is our fearless leader. She keeps track of our weight. LH is our cancer survivor and she's actually lost about 4o pounds she started before our group got together. TS is our southern girl that cooks like no ones business so she has a battle all her own! It's easy to stay away from my cooking, haha.

The scary part is, this pic was just taken! So it was taken after the weight came off. Can you imagine what I looked like before? I don't even want to think about it. Missing from this picture is our die hard member TP and she is kicking our butts! Also her daughter BP is missing as well (she was our winner this week!) And those girls are smaller than the rest of us to start with! (They took their own before pic and live outta town so I'm not sure I'll get my hands on that one.)

Well I'm down 2 more lbs this week. That puts me at 12. Man, I can not wait to lose more! My baby is sick this week and so my bike riding is on hold. I'm hoping to lose with mostly diet this week. I'll get in exercise when I can but for now SLEEP sounds pretty good. Chow!

John & Kate + Weight

2009-05-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

First of all can I say. John and Kate + 8's premier last night = SAD! I feel so bad for their family! So tragic, I hope they can patch things up. But by the look of their faces I don't see it happening. What makes me so mad is to read on all these message boards that Kate deserves it.

Well yes, she's demanding and not always sunshine. Yes, she should probably be nicer to John. But NO ONE deserves the public humiliation she has received. I just read a message board that says "Go John!!!, the man finally found his b@lls." Well let me tell you what I think. If he had in fact found them, he would have manned up and told her how her felt. Instead of running around behind her back. That is being a man. Not sneaking around doing who knows what with other women. err uh... girls! Now I'm not saying he cheated. Who knows, but he wasn't at a parent teacher conference thats for sure. Anyway SAD so so sad. I love that couple. I'm not a crazy obsessed fan, but I do watch occasionally. I REALLY really hope they work it out!!! Poor kids. :(

AND now Week 3 results!!!

I lost 2 measly pounds. (barely) It was a hard, hard week. This week I decided I didn't like diet food anymore. I would rather starve than eat one more Smart Ones or Lean Cuisine dinner. So I put off eating as long as possible in the mornings, sometimes till 2:00. (bad for metabolism) Then when I did decide to eat, I wasn't as strict as usual. I didn't go hog wild, but I ate stuff like light ranch instead of fat free. :P

Well my only solace was that the rest of the team had a very hard week as well. The winner the week lost 2 pounds as well (bigger % than me tho) and everyone else lost 1 pound each. I'm hoping we all kick it into gear this week!

I could just kick myself knowing that if I would have really applied myself last week I could have won! So far Traci Loc (thats what call her) is my hardest competition. She has beat me every single week so far. Even thou we usually lose the same amount of weight, she loses a higher %.

Well onto week 4! I'm feeling charged up this week! Wish me luck and if anyone has any tips on healthy food that doesn't make me gag or I'm not allergic to, please feel free to drop me a comment!